I’ll try and keep it mellow and non-controversial this morning. For starters, today is my stepson’s birthday. Happy b’day, Reub. He’s, um…let me do the math here…. Holy shit! He’s 26 already. How did that happen (even worse, one of his sisters hits the big 3-0 this year)? :omg: Seems like it was just yesterday when he was hiding from me in the basement, too shy to come up and say hello, and now he’s all grown up and out on his own. Must mean I’m gettin’ old. Fortunately, if this study from Denmark can be believed, it appears that I’ll live longer, thanks to my beefy thighs. That’s right, you skinny-thighed people have “a two-fold greater risk of heart disease and death, and the risk [rises] as [your] thigh size decline[s]. ” Ha! Take that, ya chicken-legged bastids (yes, I’m looking at you, Maron)!

The NFL preseason is pretty much over; just three more games to get through tonight, and then we can eagerly await the start of the real season next Thursday. They expect to have a lot more TV blackouts this year (if a game isn’t sold out 72 hours before kickoff, it’s blacked out in the local market), which they’re blaming on the economy, and there’s a certain amount of pressure on the NFL to change the rules. Personally, I think that’s a bit of a load of crap. Some teams (Jacksonville comes to mind; how the hell did J’ville get an NFL team anyway? It’s kind of the taint of the South – ‘taint Florida, ‘taint Georgia) have trouble filling the stadium no matter what the economic climate, while a place like Buffalo sells out every game, every year, no matter how crappy the team, the economy, or the weather. And, population-wise, Buffalo aint exactly New York or LA. Speaking of LA, do you people even have a team these days? I haven’t been keeping track of where fellow SU alum (and renowned scumbag) Al Davis has the Raiders, but now that I look, it appears they’re calling themselves “Oakland” again (or still). Shameful. Can’t spell lame without LA, I guess.

Apparently Charlie Gibson is “livid” over the choice of Diane Sawyer to replace him, to which I ask: “in what sense, Charlie?” What is he, the epitome of the ultimate “news man,” such that Diane can’t live up to his lofty standards? Puhleeze. Walter Cronkite you aint, Charlie. Besides, when’s the last time anybody really gave a shit about who replaced you when you quit your job (I mean, unless you’re a coach or President or own a lot of stock or something)?

I got an e-mail from somebody the other day, telling me that I was incorrect in asserting that Norman, OK was named after Norman Bates. However, I stand behind my statement. It’s a little known fact that, until 1961, Norman was named Morman, OK. It was named that because Jesus had a house there when he came to North America to bury fake dinosaur bones in order to test our faith (though he spent the majority of his time at a home he shared with Mary Magdalene – plus Barb, Nicki, and Margene – in what would become Indiana. This is also how French Lick got its name, but I digress).

Anyhow, after the 1960 release of the movie Psycho, people realized that the residents of Morman had more in common with Norman Bates than Jesus, and so they changed the ‘M’ to an ‘N’. A rather elaborate alteration of maps and history books ensued, and, in an astonishingly brief period of time, people forgot all about Morman (this was primarily due to the combination of Oklahoma residents tending to have a rather short attention span – which is how the descendants of Tom Joad came to be Republicans – and non-Okies not really giving a shit).

Oh well, time to toddle along to put this week to bed, and I believe I managed to avoid talking about anything too controversial – with the possible exception of the Oklahoma stuff – this morning (I hope thin thighs and the lack of an NFL team in LA hasn’t ruffled any feathers). Have a good day: long weekend to look forward to (for me, anyway).

Keep it mellow.