Big, huge, enormous, tremendous, outrageous day today, as Apple releases the best thing ever in the whole wide world: the iPhone 4g. The 4g will do all the things that the old, crappy ones should have done in the first place (not Flash, though; f*ck you, Adobe!), so if you have the old iPhone, you officially now own a piece of shit that you should be ashamed to seen using in public. Yep, yesterday you thought you were cool as you sat down at Starbucks with your $5 cup of shitty coffee, whipped out your iPhone, and downloaded your free Frappuccino® Beverage Music mix on iTunes. Today? Meh. You’re just another loser who might as well be using a CB radio.

It may seem kind of unfair that your old iPhone became obsolete before your two-year commitment was even up, but, well, that’s the price you pay if you wanna be the coolest kid on the block. Not to worry though, that smug, snotty son-of-a-bitch over in the corner trying to look like he’s not trying to be noticed with his new phone as he sips his nonfat milk and sugar-free vanilla Caramel Macchiato and nibbles his Chocolate Chunk Cookie will be in the same boat by next Christmas, when the next bestest thing ever comes out.

The other big news today, of course, is the NBA draft. The only thing any real basketball fan cares about is who Wes Johnson gets picked by. We’re kind of hoping for a reunion with Jonny Flynn out in Minnesota as the #4 pick (thereby making the T-Wolves my official favorite NBA team, dropping the Denver Nuggets into the #2 spot) , but the NJ Nets have been making some noise about taking him at #3, and even Doug Collins of the Sixers made a little noise about taking him at #2 (Philadelphia is my sentimental NBA favorite, since, as we all know, they were originally the Syracuse Nationals). Around these parts, we’re also hoping that Andy Rautins gets picked up by somebody in the second round.

The world’s longest tennis match ever continues at Wimbledon today, as John Isner and Nicolas Mahut pick up where they left off yesterday – tied at 59 games apiece in the fifth set. I hope they keep going for a few more days. They might wanna re-think that whole “you gotta win by two games” thing, though.

Good thing you don’t have to win by two in soccer, or you’d never know how long those damn matches would last. Come to think of it, you don’t actually know when they’ll end now. I mean, they have a clock, so you’d think that when time runs out, the game would be over. But the referees apparently keep some sort of double-secret extra time clock, and only they know when the damn thing will end (personally, I think they make that shit up).

But, despite getting screwed out of yet another goal yesterday, the American team managed to not only win their match against whoever the hell they were playing, but win their division or unit or whatever the heck it is they call it. So, they get a better draw in round two. Or something. I don’t know. I admit to not really following (or even caring about) soccer or the World Cup, but, hey, any excuse for a little jingoism, right? So, “USA! USA! USA!” and all that.

Speaking of jingoism, despite the weirdness with McChrystal yesterday, I think we’re all really, really excited to have Petraeus in charge of Afghanistan. I think that, ‘cuz that’s what they told me on the teevee. He’s gonna bring the ‘success’ he had in Iraq over to Afghanistan. Li’l Lindsey Graham (who I think has a man crush on the good General; Lindsey was all dewy-eyed and aquiver when he spoke, and his mascara was kinda running) says Petraeus is our “best hope” to make things right. God bless you, General, and God bless the United States of America.

Speaking of the good old US of A, Homeland Security is going to start using unmanned (but will they be unarmed?) drones to patrol the border. If you’re kinda Mexican looking and you’re down that way, I suggest you tape your birth certificate to the top of your hat so they can read it as they fly over. Otherwise you might get a Hellfire missile or two tossed your way. Oh, and if Afghanistan is any indication, I wouldn’t be having any wedding parties near the border. Could ruin your special day.

Speaking of ruining the day, I have to go ruin mine by going to work.