I’m gonna try not to talk about the weather this morning (OK, Iied; it’s cold. But that’s all I’ll say). So, what else does that leave? Something alliterative would be nice. Ah, how’s this? Many Marauding Monkeys Make Mayhem, Maul Man.

Dozens of monkeys went berserk on an Indonesian plantation, injuring one man as they made off with crops and chicken eggs.

The Antara news agency reports a rubber tapper had to receive 60 inches to an arm injured after about 10 of the monkeys set upon him.

A total of 40 to 60 unspecified wild monkeys were involved in the attack, which occurred about 100 miles west of Singapore, in the village of Teluk Mesjid, located in Sumatra’s Siak River basin.

The rubber tapper, Juju, told the agency that this is not the first time monkeys have raided the village or injured its residents.

Wow, he received 60 inches to his arm? Damn, Juju’s gonna be dragging that damn thing around something fierce. He can probably tap those rubber trees way up high now, though.

So, I’m wondering if it isn’t time for all of us to change our voter registration and become Republicans (those of us who live in states that require a party affiliation to vote in the primaries, anyway). Because, let’s face it, short of a Bobby Kennedy coming out and running, Obama will be the Democratic candidate, and, setting aside the question of whether he sucks or not, he’s looking like a certain loser. So maybe it’s time to try and affect the Republican primary and see if we can’t get the least objectionable Republican nominated. Now, who, exactly, that would be, I dunno. I hate to say it, but of the names I’m familiar with, I think I’d have to go with good old Huckleberry Huckabee. Not that he’s exactly a perfect candidate, but, well, we’re a bit limited in our choices here.

And he doesn’t have a prayer (so to speak) anyway, so I guess it doesn’t matter. If I had to guess, I’d guess they’d go with Mannequin Mitt (though he’s got some hurdles to overcome with “the base”). Sir Newt is making noises about running (as usual), but he’s a proven loser. Sister Sarah? Nah. Running is too much work. Who else is there? I don’t know, I don’t like to think about Republicans for too long. It kinda makes me throw up in my mouth.

Speaking of Republicans, let’s hear it for the newly elected Governors of Ohio and Wisconsin, who are too principled (or whatever) to accept hundreds of millions of dollars for high speed rail. The big winners? California and Florida.

California’s high-speed rail plan will receive up to $624 million in additional federal funds, Transportation Department officials announced Thursday.

The new funding adds to the $715 million in federal funds previously awarded to California. It arrives courtesy of Ohio and Wisconsin, two states where recently elected Republican governors decided not to accept their own allotment of high-speed rail dollars.

“I am pleased that so many other states are enthusiastic about the additional support they are receiving to help bring America’s high-speed rail network to life,” Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood declared in a written statement.

LaHood’s redistribution of an additional $1.195 billion in high-speed rail funding provoked cheers among lawmakers who had been lobbying for a bigger slice, but regret among some Midwesterners who saw their own money slip away.

California is one of 12 states that will receive a piece of the redirected funds. Florida, the next biggest beneficiary will get $300 million.

Hey, all due respect to CA and FL, but what about us? We want your money – and not just so folks can go from NYC to DC or Philly or Boston fast, either. How ’bout some high speed rain up here in the provinces, too? Just make sure ours have snow plows on the front.