Yes, the eve everyone the world over has been waiting for (except for the vast majority of humans who aren’t Christian, but, let’s face it, they don’t really count; hell, most of them aren’t even white. Of course, neither was Jesus, but I digress) is nigh. Everyone who’s anyone has today off, so it should be an easy commute for the losers among us (Granny and me, for example) who have to go to work. I, however, am determined to leave work early. In fact, the only reason I’m going in to work today is so that I can leave early and finish my Christmas shopping (which means filling up my gas tank and buying enough food to get me through ’til Monday – and if I’m feeling really motivated, I’ll go and get some lumber from Home Depot, but probably not; I’ll wait and see if there’s a huge sale on it come Sunday). Well, that ans water my office plants. To all those who may have been hoping for a gift (or even a card) from me, all I can say is, “you shoulda known better.”

Other than an always convenient excuse for the government to issue terrorist attack warnings, Christmas to me is just a reminder that my parents are long dead and buried. Ho, ho, ho.

However, it’s not too late to turn me into a true believer. That’s right, Santa, I’m talkin’ to you. If Natalie Wood could get a replacement dad and a new house, I ought to be able to get a little something, too.

For the first time in 14 years, I actually live in a home with chimneys and fireplaces, so I’m pulling my wool socks out of the hamper and hanging them up (my apologies for not having had a chance to wash them), and putting together a list of things old Saint Nick needs to pile up under the tree tonight as I sleep (though without visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, mostly ‘cuz I have no idea what sugar plums are, though I assume it would be unpleasant to get kicked in them).

In the past, I’d have asked for peace on Earth, universal health care, feed the poor, knead the kneady, and all that other liberal claptrap, but it’s a new f*cking world, Santa-baby, and from now on, it’s gonna be all about me, me, me.

Anyhow, Santa, if you want me running around town slobbering about Merry Christmas and sending the biggest frickin’ goose you got over to the Cratchit’s and whatnot, here’s what you’ll have to pony up with tonight (and I get up early, so better hit my house as close to midnight as you can manage).

1. A tree. We don’t have one, so that’s the first thing you’ll be needing to drop off. Don’t be killing a live one, either; some nice fold-up, pre-decorated, fiber-optic, easy to store job would be best. And if you’re not bringing anything else, you can forget this, too. Nothing more pathetic than a Christmas tree with nothing underneath it put a pile of feline yule logs and tinsel-laden cat puke.
2. Clamp on bucket forks for the tractor. They don’t need to be Kubota orange, but that’d be a nice touch. Light-duty ones are fine.
3. A three-point quick-hitch. I only have a couple of 3PH implements (more on that later), but they’re a pain to get on and off, so this would be nice.
4. A backhoe for my tractor. If you wanna spring for an official Kubota one, go for it. Otherwise, this Woods BH6000 will do nicely. Just don’t forget I’ll be needing the rear remotes. Don’t just leave this under the tree, either; better go ahead and have it installed for me. Oh, and let’s go ahead and get the 9, 12, and 16 inch buckets while we’re at it. I probably don’t need ’em all, but you never know.
5. Implements. I don’t wanna get greedy, so here are just a few ideas. No need to get them all (unless you want to; I really have been a very good boy this year). Oh, and make sure they’re all Cat 1 (limited Cat 1 if you have the choice). Let’s see… a PTO driven generator, a PTO chipper/shredder, tiller (get the kind with a slip clutch, not the shear pin – who wants to keep replacing shear pins?), a rear snow blower, um, let’s see…. Well, just go ahead and surprise me. You really can’t go wrong in this category.
6. Stocking Stuffers. Just a few little odds and ends if you have room in the sleigh. A ROPS-mounted work light (magentic is fine), wheel spacers (front and back), tire chains for the front, a set of ag and/or industrial tires (mounted on rims, please – and loaded), a couple cans of Kubota Orange spray paint, and, oh well, use your best judgment. If it fits my tractor, you can’t go wrong. Home Depot gift cards are always good, too
7. A puppy. Some poor, unwanted mutt who needs a good home.

And, oh, what the hell. How about bringing peace on Earth, good will toward men, women, & animals, make it so nobody in the word has to be hungry, sick, ashamed of who they are (or what they prefer to stick their stuff into, or what stuff they prefer to have stuck into them), or alone ever again, bring our boys (and girls, and Mike and Carlos) back home safe where they belong, and show the evil, greedy fuckers of the world like Dick Cheney the error of their ways.

In fact, do that last shit, and you can skip all the other stuff on my list (except maybe the puppy).

Once a liberal, always a liberal, I guess.

Happy Xmas (or whatever it is you celebrate at your place) to you and your family. I hope it’s a good one, without any fear.