Thank God (and by “God” I mean “Jobs”) that I never caved in and bought an iPad. Because soon I’ll be able to covet an iPad2. On the odd chance you missed it, the iPad2 will be coming out a week from today, on March 11. This latest version will offer revolutionary features that have already been available on other devices (which, of course, don’t count because they aren’t Apple products – Apple being the “Notre Dame” of consumer electronics) like front and rear cameras and the ability to to be used as a personal Wi-Fi hotspot.

Of course, the iPad will continue to be tightly controlled and proprietary (no USB ports for external devices, no SD card slots to expand the memory, no “unauthorized” apps or even apps developed on unapproved platforms), which is also a “feature” of Apple products. Naturally, I want one, but am quite frankly not in a position to shell out the $500 for the most basic, 16-gig, WiFi only version ($700 for the 64-gig and $829 for 64-gig and 3G).

I also don’t want what is basically a new method of consumption (I’m consuming too damn much as it is). I prefer something that I can use to be creative (not that I’m actually being creative, mind you, but it’s nice to know I could be, if not for the lack of talent and/or ambition – otherwise I’d think of some useless f*cking iPad/iPhone app and sell it for $.99).

For $500, I could build myself a pretty damn robust desktop, which is what I really need. The computers I have now are getting mighty old, and this Macbook Pro I’ve been using for quite a while now is plenty good as a consumption device.

Not that anybody’s listening to me, but, next time they bring Steve “Yurtle the Turtle” Jobs out of suspended animation, I think they ought to introduce hardware subscriptions (or leases, if you prefer). A certain amount down (enough to more or less cover whatever it is they pay to the Chinese labor camps to cover the cost per unit), and then so much a month. So, like, you pay $200 ($279 if you want the 2-yr Applecare) to get one shipped to you (I don’t know how accurate this is, but last I looked, the estimated production cost per unit was about $229), and then you agree to lease it for, say $20 a month for two years. Total outlay to Apple, $680 or $759 with the Applecare, which you know you’re gonna get because, hey, you just gotta (plus all the apps they can sell you), and then after 2 years, you get the honor of upgrading.

I think this would be touted as pure, unadulterated genius (not that this would be anything new, of course, since it’s pretty much the cell phone model in this country), and Apple could generate more revenue by claiming a patent on it and charging royalties to any company that infringes on its “iLease” patents (or face legal action from the increasingly litigious Apple Corp). They could even roll in wireless access with the lease price by leasing air time from cellular companies and rebranding it under the Apple umbrella (with a suitable markup for consumers, of course).

Brilliant!

So, anyhow, when Apple starts doing this, I want y’all to remember this, so I can cash in on it. I’m not greedy. A couple million bucks and a Steve Jobs® queen size cryogenic chamber big enough to hold me, granny and the dogs is all I’m looking for.

In the meantime, let’s get this week over with already.