Thank goodness for Governor Snotball, who over the weekend explained to all us ignorant NYers (using his most patient “trying to explain complex concepts to stupid people” voice – the same one he uses when explaining why millionaires should keep getting tax cuts so they can keep creating the jobs that they haven’t actually been creating) how when there’s wet, heavy snow and the leaves are on the trees, the trees fall down. Thank goodness he explained all that. I think he mentioned he saw trees once when he was a kid, when his dad took him on a safari north of Westchester into the mountains and he saw a wild cow. Very scary.

All this snow so early in the season is, of course, proof that Al Gore is a fat, lying bastard. I know, ‘cuz I saw it in the comments on the snow reports. If it’s Global Warming, how come it snowed, Al? Huh? Answer me that one.

No snow up here in the Miami of the Northeast, of course, but I did spend the weekend trying to prepare for winter, on the odd chance that we might get a cold snap for, oh, I don’t know, six months or so. All the storm windows are in, which, in theory, shouldn’t be a big deal because they’re just the kind that pop into place where the screens go. As is often the case with theories (like Evolution, Global Warming, and Gravity), however, what “should” be easy turned out to be a big annoying pain in the ass. Especially when I can upon the one set of windows that – unlike all the other ones that look to be the same size – have 43½” high slots. Try as I might to shove, pry, and beat 44″ high storm windows into them, I could not. I’m pleased to report that I didn’t actually break them, though, and once I decided to actually measure them and find the right storms, my job was complete. Well, except for the fact that I ran out of rope caulk to shove in the gaps. A job for next weekend, I guess.

I also got the plow out and on the tractor, and am pleased to report that the tractor fits in the garage with both the back blade and the plow on. I also got the tire chains on, which was a bit of a project because last year took its toll on them, and they’re cobbled together with quick links. But, with a new set of straps and links, they look good to go. Hopefully the tractor will now sit idle until it’s time to put the mower back on. Not much chance of that, but I can dream.

One minor tragedy from the weekend, though, as my air grease gun no longer appears to dispense grease. Fortunately, it waited until I put a fresh tube in. My last one as it turns out, and, like the horse and the barn, it’s pretty hard to get the grease back out. My other grease gun was (of course) empty, but Sunday is my day to head into Pixley to pick up a week’s worth of vittles, so I’m now reloaded and ready to lube.

I’ve gotten used to the laser hair removal commercials on the early lo-cal news program (featuring a chick who looks wasted and entirely too enthusiastic about thrusting her pelvis into the face of a hair removal technician in order to tidy up her bikini line). Apparently they figure early morning news viewers are a hairy bunch. But now they’re targeting males with a “buy one body part, get another body part free” offer. If I was going to buy a body part, it wouldn’t be one you’d find on a hairy dude (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but this does make me wonder if guys are worried about unsightly body hair these days.

Other than a unibrow (which seems to have dissipated in my old age), excessive hair has never been one of my problems, so I never really gave it much thought (there was a guy on my floor in college who looked like a gorilla, though; ironically, his nickname was “Fish” but that was ‘cuz his name was Fishbein or something), and I’m not sure I’d spend much time (let alone money) worrying about it, even if I had a horse mane down my back. In fact, it might be kinda nice when the weather gets cold.

It’s bad enough they make you women crazy with this shit, do they have to start with men, too? Let’s face it, we’re supposed to be hairy and sweaty and pudgy and childish. It’s what makes us so damn charming and lovable.

Speaking of charming and lovable, how ’bout that Herman Cain? Or “Hermain” as I seem to want to type his name. I guess Pizza isn’t the only thing ol’ Herm delivers with his motivational speeches.

During Herman Cain’s tenure as the head of the National Restaurant Association in the 1990s, at least two female employees complained to colleagues and senior association officials about inappropriate behavior by Cain, ultimately leaving their jobs at the trade group, multiple sources confirm to POLITICO.

The women complained of sexually suggestive behavior by Cain that made them angry and uncomfortable, the sources said, and they signed agreements with the restaurant group that gave them financial payouts to leave the association.

Normally I’d take any report from Politico with a grain of salt, but Cain always had a hint of Clarence Thomas about him. I bet he wears his excess hair as a badge of honor – like a real man.

Fortunately, these reports have thrust (so to speak) Hermain into the lead in Iowa. This is huge, because it’s up to the 237 voters in Iowa and the 186 in New Hampshire to determine who the next president should be. Cain/Bachmann 2012. Now there’s a winning combination (and a pretty darn cute couple, I must say).

As if President Cain wasn’t a scary enough prospect for you, it’s Halloween, and the streets will be filled with little bastards ghosts, ghouls, and goblins tonight. And zombies, I guess. They’re big this year, from what I understand.

I don’t know if anybody will wander up our driveway or not, but I don’t plan on doing anything to encourage them, and they’re SOL if they show up, ‘cuz about the best I can do for them is a handful of almonds and maybe some salad.

Speaking of which, time to get my lunch ready so I can get out there and face another work week.