On my weekly sojourn into Pixley to buy a week’s worth of vittles yesterday, I passed a church with a marquee out front that read,

Praying is as Important as Breathing

I don’t believe this is a scientifically established fact. I’m not saying that praying isn’t important, mind you. I’m just sayin’ I can’t remember the last time I prayed (what with it being generally ineffective, I’m thinking I haven’t done any serious God-groveling in at least a few years), and if I’d gone that long without breathing, I’m pretty sure I’d be dead right now.

So I’m gonna go with breathing being at least an itsy-bitsy bit more important than prayer.

Of course, I’ve probably never prayed the “right” way. I don’t pray often, but when I do, it’s generally “for” something to happen. Or for something not to happen. Not that I actually believe there’s somebody on the other end of the line when I do it, but, when things are shitty, I figure it doesn’t hurt to ask. It never saved my dad or my mom or any of my dogs (or got me a winning lottery ticket), but I reckon it didn’t hurt none, either.

I suppose you’re supposed to pray in that “oh gosh, you’re so great, oh Lord, and magnificent and I just think you’re awesome” kinda way, but if there is a God, I can’t imagine He’d really need to be sucked up to like that. I mean, after a few thousand years, it’s gotta get pretty old (plus He knows they’re just trying to butter Him up so He doesn’t send them to hell for all eternity).

It’s kinda like when people call in to these radio shows and waste 20 minutes on how much they love the host, long time listener, first time caller, love the show, yada, yada, yada. I mean, come on, we get it, you love Diane Rehm, but get to the friggin’ point already.

That’s probably what God thinks. “Yeah, yeah, I’m almighty. Now, what do you really want from me?”

Well, since you’re asking, for starters, how’s about you keep lunatics from killing 6-yr old kids. Then maybe we can work on the next Powerball drawing.