So, it’s been almost a week since the unbelievable happened. It’s been a tough few days, that’s for sure, and I’m still feeling a bit, well, kind of hungover. Or at least emotionally drained and empty inside – for many reasons, not the least of which was exhaustion due to the lack of sleep on election night that I finally caught up on over the weekend. Though I went to bed well before any of the returns came in, I woke up at about 1:00 AM (to do what we old guys have to do at least a few times overnight) and took a quick peek at my phone for the news (bad idea – if I hadn’t been on call, I wouldn’t have even had the damn thing with me). Things weren’t quite declared yet, but Florida was called, Trump was up something like 238-205, and it was pretty clear it was all over but the crying (actually, the crying had already begun at Clinton HQ). Sleep, after that, was impossible.

I finally gave up the ghost and got out of bed at about 3:40 (which, truth be told, is about the time I usually get up anyway now that I keep old-man hours), but delayed confirming the final results for as long as I could. I guess maybe I was holding out hope that things were still too close to call or something. In retrospect, I should have e-mailed in sick and gone back to bed. It was all too much like 2004 (at least in 2000, we were kept in suspense for quite a while). That year, the day after the election happened to be my birthday, so I took the day off. The wife was off that day too (or maybe she was working evenings then, I can’t remember).

During the day on election day that year, I remember all the signs being positive. Exit polls seemed to have Kerry way ahead and things looked good (sound familiar), so I bought a boatload (a swiftboat load) of beer and headed home to bask in the returns. Finally, we’d get rid of that pretender-in-chief (who now looks a lot better to me in retrospect). Of course things started to turn to shit after the polls closed and it turned into another long night. I’m a little vague on things after that, but I know things weren’t over by the time I passed out in bed.

If I remember correctly, Kerry conceded way, way too early the next morning (Rachel Maddow broke the news to me during “Unfiltered”), officially marking 2004 as one of the worst birthdays ever. The wife and I “celebrated” by going out for lunch, and then taking Siggy for a walk out at Green Lakes state park (where some asshole inexplicably drove by swearing at us for some reason, making my shitty mood that much more foul).

This time around I felt almost as crappy (the only difference is that back in 2004 I was literally hung over, whereas this year it was more figurative) but I had to go to work, which I guess was just as well because I couldn’t bear to look at or listen to the news. If you’re gonna feel like shit, you might as well do it at work, I guess.

And now it appears that the Nazis are indeed taking over the government – complete with ReichsfĂĽhrer Reince Priebus, Kellyanne “Leni Riefenstahl” Conway, and Reich Chancellor Steve Bannon. And the Nazis even seem to have formed a coalition with the Russians (a shame Drumpf is ignorant of history he might wanna look into how the Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact worked out).

As I’ve started to poke my head up around the Internets again, I’ve seen a lot of grandiose chatter about “taking back” the country from these fascists and all that. How quaint. It’s a nice idea, but kind of misses a couple of key points. First, these people have all three branches of government now – and they’ll have the courts for the foreseeable future. Not just SCOTUS, either. Remember all those lower court vacancies that the Republicans managed to keep Obama from filling? You’re gonna see that shit filled in record time. Better hold onto your pussies tight, ladies – the Republicans are coming after them. And you well-tanned types better start bleaching your skin and learning to speaky the English (make that, speak “American”) or get the hell out.

The other fallacy about “taking back” America is that a lot of people fail to understand that half the people really don’t give enough of a shit to recognize and care about what’s happening. Not enough to vote, anyway. And of the other half that actually do care? Half of them think Drumpf is just what the doctor (or at least God) ordered and love this shit. And they’ll go on loving it no matter how shitty their lives get because if things get bad, it’s all that goddamned Obama’s fault anyway. And they’ll all be voting for him in 2020 (assuming the fat bastard doesn’t die before then).

Speaking of voting, I’m thinking it’s about time I gave that nonsense up. People I vote for never seem to win, so it seems pretty pointless (you know, the old “definition of insanity” thing). No matter what I do, the stupid people are gonna get their way, and on the national level, the shitty little pissant states get to set the the agenda (though I’m seriously disappointed in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania – I mean, c’mon. I expect this shit from Florida and Ohio, but not you guys). I wish the Canadians would let NY (and California) join up with them (although most of Upstate NY really belongs in Texas). I can live with 3 downs in football, and I won’t mind going to Brewer’s Retail when I start drinking beer again.

Anyhow, you’ll have to excuse my slightly gloomy outlook on things right now. Maybe this dark cloud looming over everything will pass over (gonna take a while, at the very least).

If you’re having difficulty coping, I highly recommend a couple of things that won’t actually do any good in the general scheme of things, but might make you feel a bit better. If you use the Google Chrome browser, I advise you to add a couple of extensions. First, there’s the “Some Rich Asshole”, which will change every mention of Trump or Donald Trump to read “the rich asshole.” And if you can’t stand looking at that smug prick’s face, add “Make Trump Burger Again”, which will change Trump’s picture to that of a “delicious burger”.

With both of these extensions installed, you’ll get something like this:

Resistance might be futile, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be amusing.