I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I have absolutely zero intention of watching President Meathead (dead from the neck up) tonight. It hasn’t even happened yet, and I’m already sick of hearing about it. What will be worse will be in incessantly nauseating postgame reports telling us all how the monkey man was all adult acting because he managed to read off a teleprompter and not throw his feces or grab any pussy on his way in (a shame Michele Bachmann isn’t still around – I’m sure she’d relish the opportunity to have a real man shove his tongue down her throat). I don’t know what would be worse, looking at his stupid face, or looking at Eddie Munster and Vice Preznit Halfpence. This will be the equivalent of watching a Super Bowl game between New England and Philly – impossible to determine which one I hate the most. At least the Super Bowl has commercials.

It’ll be interesting to see Melanoma, of course. I’m sure she’ll be there, but the interesting thing will be to see if she gets as far away from him as possible, and if she’s sporting any new jewelry. I figure fucking a porn star and buying her with a six-figure payoff ought to be good for some nice shiny baubles. Though if I was her (a pretty repugnant thought – I don’t know what you ladies see in that guy), I’d have it appraised before I agreed to leave the house. Not that I think her beloved husband is a two-bit hustler who’d try to pass fakes off on her or anything.

So, anyhow, hopefully I’ll be spared from hearing about what a great job Trump is doing and how he’s acting like a grownup now (what was it the “liberal” NY Times called him after his brilliant Davos speech? A “pragmatist?”). I also don’t want to hear how Bob Mueller’s “closing in” or any of that shit, ‘cuz I honestly don’t believe anything will come of all this. Maybe a few lackeys will get thrown under the bus – and eventually be pardoned – but there’s no chance in hell that the boys in the House are gonna impeach the fucker, and even less chance that the Senate will convict.

Though I’m sure Susan Collins will give a courageous speech about how we cannot condone this sort of behavior – right before she votes to acquit. Hell, we might even have Senator Michele Bachmann from Minnesota by the time any of this goes down (and, you know, congrats on the whole getting rid of Al Franken thing). Maybe Al can run for President on the Green Party ticket next time around, with Jill Stein as his running mate. ‘Cuz as a registered Green Party member, I could totally get behind Franken Stein 2020. At the very least, I want the bumper sticker.

As long as Bernie “not a Democrat” Sanders isn’t in the mix again. Because I want a “real” Democrat to lose to Trump again, the way it’s supposed to be.

Oh well, if you’ve got the intestinal fortitude to watch preznit asshole tonight, good for you. You’ve got a stronger stomach than I have, that’s for sure. Maybe I could get through it with enough beer, there’s no way I could get through it sober. And I can’t afford to replace the teevee when I take a hammer to it, either.