I guess if I knew it was so much fun to be a Republican, I might have become one a long time ago. I never realized they had more going on than propositioning guys in mens rooms. Go figure. In other surprising news, as Sue posted yesterday, the Florida dick doc who hates Obama and health care reform really has no idea what’s in the health care reform bill. He doesn’t exactly strike me as being the sharpest tool in the shed, so I hope he’s got a got a map of where to stick his finger when he does prostate exams (I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he spends a lot of time with his finger up his own ass). If you’re one of his patients, you might wanna grab a Sharpie and have your significant other mark the spot with a big ‘X’ or something.

In other surprising news, Jesse James checked out of sex rehab. Never fear, though, he checked back a few days later. I’m sure he just wanted to go to church for Easter, and maybe hook up with a couple of Easter bunnies. Speaking of guys I feel really, really sorry for because they got caught being philandering jerks, Tiger Woods faced his fans and the press yesterday, and is reportedly seeking to renew his wedding vows. This time around, I think they’ll include footnotes and asterisks.

Tiger might want to saty away from Heidi Montag, though. I have no idea who she is, but, at 23, she has apparently had so much plastic surgery done, she can no longer jog (her implants are too big) or hug people (her body is too fragile from double-digit procedures, including a “back scoop,” which sounds pretty creepy). What’s a back scoop?

“I actually didn’t know,” she said. “I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit.”

Oh.

Well, as long as she’s happy.