Sad news this morning. Porn star Stormy Daniels has decided not to run against David Vitter for US Senate in Louisiana. As the reason, she cited her inability to compete with Vitter’s $5 million “war chest.” Too bad. You’d think she could raise the money somehow.

One of these two guys is stoned. Can you tell which?

Oh well, off to work.

OK, this is it. If you haven’t gotten your taxes filed, you have until midnight tonight to get ‘er done. Or at least file for an extension. Or just blow it off, and hope they forget about you. If you’re old enough, are permanently disabled, or are a corporation operating out of the Cayman Islands, you can even join the teabag movement and tell Obama to keep his Kenyan hands off your government handout.

The feds are claiming that former Illinois Gov Rowdy Roddy Blagojevich tried to get his wife a State job, despite the fact that she was less than qualified for it. Hey, that’s called taking care of your family, and I thought family values were important. Besides, if they start imposing “qualification” requirements on State jobs, we’ll have to fire the entire New York State legislature.

Speaking of wives, I know we all thought this would be the one, but, sadly, Larry King and wife number seven are getting a divorce (fun fact: seven wives, but eight divorces; some dummy married him twice). His soon-to-be former wife is apparently alleging that old Lar’ had an affair – with her sister (though the sister is denying it; god knows I’d certainly deny having sex with him). I’ve never been a big King fan, but you have to give him credit. For somebody that looks like a dried up old frog, he certainly seems to do pretty well with the ladies. Go figure.

Sometimes I really wonder about you women.

Not a lot of time to try and think of something to write this morning, since I’ve been squandering time reading about SU’s last second, come from behind 8-7 lacrosse win over Cornell last night (a bit of a rematch of last year’s NCAA title game, where SU stormed back to tie the game in regulation and then win in OT). But I wont mention it, since nobody but me really cares. If, however, you were wondering why Sarah Palin quit halfway through her single term as Governor of Alaska (and why teabaggers consider a quitter to be their hero), here’s about 12 million good reasons (for the first part; I still have no idea what the teabaggers see in her – and don’t tell me it’s ‘cuz she’s “hot,” ‘cuz she aint no Tina Fey).

And if you’re gonna pay her to speak to your organization (why?), thanks to some college kids in Sacramento who pulled a copy of her “confidential” rider out of the garbage before it could be shredded, you can get an idea of what you’ll need to do to get here there [pdf]. Aside from her speaking fee, her rider requires (among many other things) bottled water and bendy straws, first-class airfare (or a Lear 60 or larger for West Coast events, or a Hawker 800 or larger for East Coast events, and three hotel rooms (a suite and two singles – and no flea bags, either). Oh, and keep the dirty little autograph hounds away, too (autographs are extra).

Speaking of that piece of crap Sarah Palin, you may have heard that the Discovery Channel is planning on giving this wolf-killing, global climate change denying “drill baby drill” mouth-breathing moron has no place in the Discovery Communications lineup, you can sign this petition (for what it’s worth).

Although nobody but reporters are asking, Amy Klobuchar says she won’t accept a nomination to the Supreme Court. I’d like to use this space to declare that I, too, will not seek a SCOTUS nomination, nor, if nominated, will I attend confirmation hearings or meet with any Senators (except maybe the Vermont delegation, ‘cuz I like Boynie Sanduhs, and Pat Leahy’s a deadhead, so he’s cool). If confirmed, however….

Over $200,000 a year and a guaranteed job for life? Damn right I’ll serve. I may not be a lawyer (let alone a judge), but, based on recent opinions, I think I have a better grasp of the Constitution than Fat Tony Scalia, Sammy Scalito, Johnny “I’m so shocked that Obama criticized our shitty decision” Roberts, or Clarence the Crosseyed pervert uncle Thomas.

Well, time’s-a-wastin’ here, so I reckon I’d better fire up the Hawker and get to work.

So, the Tea Bag Express rolled through town yesterday, with a rally featuring Jimmy Labriola, famous for, um, well, according to the “news” story, he was in ‘Home Improvement,’ and has-been who never really was, Victoria Jackson, famous for being (or at least pretending to be) really f*cking stupid. There was also a counter-rally of non-teabaggers. This is all in anticipation of National Tea Bag Day, which takes place on Thursday, April 15.

Speaking of April 15, I did my taxes yesterday, making this two years in a row I’ve done them ahead of time. I’d also intended to pay the property taxes on 10 acres of land I bought a few years ago in hopes of building an earth-sheltered home (it’s more or less the side of a hill with lots of trees on it), which were due back in February. Turns out, I actually paid them on time for once, much to my surprise.

Unlike tea baggers, I don’t mind paying my taxes. I’m not thrilled with everything the Government uses them for, of course, but for the most part, I have it pretty good (not as good as the rich people, who hate paying taxes), and am relatively happy to chip in my share. I mean, I pretty much use the roads and highways and all that, and, while I have no kids, I used to be one, so I guess it’s only right that we educate them. Besides, it keeps the little bastids off the streets.

Also unlike tea baggers, I have no problem with the wealthiest people ponying up a few more bucks. I figure the more you make over the bare minimum it takes to survive (whatever that amount may be), the more you can afford to pay. And it’s only fair, since you get better access to health care, the political system, the legal system, and every other damn thing out there in our “Capital is King” society. Plus you’ll never need to watch them pull your loved-one’s lifeless body from a non-union coal mine that should have been closed down a few hundred violations ago.

Move over, iPad; the wePad is coming. Oh, I’m sure it’s not as “cool” as the iPad, but it runs on an open source operating system (Android), has 2 USB ports, a multi format card reader, a webcam, comes with a full office suite, and will run any apps that can run on Android – including Flash. Plus, the name of the guy that founded the company that’s making it is Helmut Hoffer von Ankershoffen. You can’t beat that.

Oh well, off to be a good little citizen taxpayer.

The teabaggers are coming to town today, and are slated to hold a rally at about four o’clock this afternoon. No word on whether the dynamic duo of Sarah and Michelle will be here, but I kind of doubt it. We’re not nearly important enough for such auspicious company. We’re apparently good enough for the NY Jets, though, who are expected to announce that they’ll hold their training camp here in Cortland again. It worked out pretty well last year, so what the heck. If you don’t want outside distractions, we’re your venue.

Once again, KFC’s “Double Down” sandwich (bacon and cheese on a chicken bun) has ruffled feathers (so to speak). It’s not my idea of Haute Cuisine either, but, geez, if people want to eat it, that’s their deal. And if you want a “healthy” choice, word has it you can get a grilled chicken “bun” instead of a fried one. Add a side of potato salad and a chocolate milkshake, and you’ve got the perfect breakfast. There’s even a KFC right on the way to work.

Speaking of work, yeah, it’s back to it again. Weekends are too damn short.

SecDef Bob Gates and SecState Hillary Clinton will be hitting the shows this morning, appearing on CBS’s “Faze the Nation,” NBC’s “Press the Meat” and the Goebbels network’s “This Weak.”

Press the Meat also has Patrick Leahy and Jefferson Beauregard Session IIIs, plus a roundtable of empty suit David Brooks, Harold “thank god I don’t have to go north of Westchester anymore” Ford Jr., WaPost columnist Kathleen Parker, and David Sanger.

“Fux News Sunday” has a typically fair and balanced show, as Weaseface Wallace interviews Joey Lieberman, Tennessee cracker Lamar Alexander, and the fairly unbalanced Michelle Bachmann, the pride of Minnesota.

This Weak also has Senate Judiciary Committee members Chuck Schumer and Krazy Jon Kyl, on to talk about SCOTUS, no doubt.

At CNN, Fareed Zakaria wants to know if Hamid Karzai is on drugs, and he’ll ask Peter Galbraith. Plus, Fareed has the Editor of Time Magazine, a Pulitzer prize-winning historian, Reuters’ global editor-at-large, and the newest and youngest columnist for the New York Times on to debate the future of Western conservatism.

Or you can just watch the Masters.

So, in a not exactly rare occurrence, one of the women where I work is gonna have a baby. Well whoopdie-frickin’ doo. Now, I certainly respect motherhood, don’t get me wrong. Mostly, I respect the part where I’m not the one who gets pregnant and/or has to give birth (this, by the way, is the most concrete evidence I can image that, if there actually is a God, He’s gotta be a dude). So I naturally think it’s just freakin’ wonderful when women where I work get knocked up, and I also think it’s just fine and dandy when the other women at work want to make a big goddamn deal over it, and throw them a baby shower. But fer chrissakes, don’t invite me to the damn thing, and don’t bother telling me where she’s registered for gifts. Being a guy, I should be exempt from all non-hygiene related shower activity, including wedding showers, baby showers, shower invitations, shower planning, shower gift giving, and, most definitely, shower attending. You wanna go out for a beer, fine, I’m in. Sitting around, oohing and aahing over some unrelenting parade of stupid, cutesy baby gifts that won’t fit two weeks after birth, however, is not my idea of a good time. I don’t give a shit about booties, blankies, doilies, onesies (whatever the hell they are), or nappies. Wrap the little bastids up in the Sunday Times ’til they stop spitting up and crapping themselves for all I care. When they’re old enough to cut the grass and shovel the driveway, give me a call. You wanna capture my interest? Get a puppy.

And, hey, sorry, but you know what? Don’t expect me to chip in for some damn group gift, either. I don’t have kids and am past my chiild-bearing years, so just leave me out of it, OK? It’s bad enough I have to pay to educate your dirty little germ-spreading spawn (very few of whom seem worth paying for, past about sixth grade or so), don’t hit me up for a donation just ‘cuz you took it upon yourself to breed. You know damn well you’ll be hittin’ me up in a couple years to buy some overpriced candy bars or crappy Girl Scout cookies (4 bucks for like six Thin Mints; GMAFB. I don’t even like Thin Mints), so how’s about you at least give me a break ’til the damn thing’s done gestating?

Not that I’m a miserable old man or anything, but, jeezus, I work in a pretty large organization, and it seems like every day, somebody I barely know (or have never even heard of) is either getting married, having babies, selling raffle tickets, or dropping dead. There seems to be a constant collection going on, and, being already married, w/o kids, and not quite dead yet, I feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick.

And I can’t say no ‘cuz, lucky me, the one goddamn thing about being Catholic that took with me was the whole perpetual guilt thing (though I guess I should consider myself lucky I wasn’t in it long enough to have to blow a priest or anything).

Oh well, there’s a swarm of old broads preparing to infest the house for some kind of meeting this morning, so I’ve gotta finish reinforcing my basement bunker. That’s where the dogs and I will be hiding ’til the coast is clear.

Summer’s over, and we’re back to spring, here. That’s OK by me, ‘cuz I really don’t like the hot weather anyway. We may even get some flurries tonight. Otherwise, there’s really not much going on. I’m just glad it’s finally Friday.

So, I was filling out this survey yesterday, as I often do. I think I’ve mentioned before that these surveys typically consist of fairly stupid marketing-type questions that I only fill out in order to accumulate points for “gifts” that have gotten increasingly crappy over time. Right now I’m on the verge of 10,000 points, and I think I may quit doing these things once I hit it (I can get a $55 Amazon gift card for 8,500 points – roughly 154.5 points/$, but I can get two $35 ones for 5,000 points each – about 142 points/$). Usually I try and fill these things out honestly and to the best of my ability for about two or three questions, and then I get really bored and just kind of click things randomly (just kidding, of course, lest I be in violation of some sort of terms that might cause me to forfeit my points; I actually fill out every question with due diligence). Anyhow, yesterday’s survey was a little bit different.

Yesterday’s questions were kind of interesting (relatively speaking), and I actually gave some thought to the answers. I thought I’d share them here, and see what you think (‘cuz that’s one less day where I have to try and think of something to say that doesn’t relate to the weather or Syracuse or something – though I promise to somehow tie Syracuse in at least once, so as not to disappoint).

Anyhow, on with the questions. They all included answers like “none” or “other” or “I don’t know,” but that would be cheating, so I’ll leave those out and assume I have to pick from their list.

Which of the following people, if any, would you say is America’s greatest “Founding Father?”

Benjamin Franklin
John Hancock
Thomas Jefferson
George Washington
John Adams

Hmm. Well, John Adams, for all his good qualities, was kind of a dick. And I have a tough time getting past the whole Alien and Sedition Acts thing. Especially the The Sedition Act, which provided for fines or imprisonment for individuals who criticized the government, Congress, or president in speech or print. I would so be in prison if that was still on the books.

John Hancock? I don’t really know much about him, except he had a funny name and a really big, um, signature. He was Governor of Massachusetts and President of the Continental Congress for a while. He was also accused of smuggling by the British, and he told them to piss off when they tried to search his ship, insofar as they lacked the equivalent of a search warrant, in what may have been the first act of physical resistance against the British.

George Washington got picked to be General mostly because he was taller than everybody else. He was kind of a crummy commander, and (contrary to his legend) he lied to the Continental Congress about the severity of the conditions at Valley Forge, in order to get more money out of them. Washington ordered the scorched earth campaign led by John Sullivan and James Clinton that destroyed more than forty Haudenosaunee (aka, Iroquois) villages, so I’m really not a big fan.

For me, I guess it comes down to Thomas Jefferson (horticulturist, politician, writer, architect, archaeologist, paleontologist, inventor, slave banger, founder of the University of Virginia, and, nearly 200 years after his death, still a threat to the Texas Bored of Education) and Ben Franklin (inventor, diplomat, author, humorist, ladies man, and beer lover).

That’s a tough call, but I guess I’ll have to go with Ben. Hell you can even go to Philly and see his privy pit, right around the corner from the Franklin Institute. Plus, they used to make the Franklin Automobile right here in Syracuse (and my grandfather did the leather upholstery on them).

See, I told ya I’d tie this to Syracuse somehow.

Which of the following, if any, would you say is/are America’s greatest explorer(s)?

Lewis and Clark
Davy Crockett
Daniel Boone
Kit Carson
Buzz Aldrin
Jebediah Smith

If the last choice had been Jedediah Springfield, I’d have probably gone with him. But when moon landing denier and all-around asshole Bart Sibrel got all up in Aldin’s face and wouldn’t quit yelling that he was a liar, the (then) 72-yr old Buzz socked him one, I became a big fan of the Buzz. Besides, how can you not go with a guy named Buzz?

Which of the following, if any, would you say is America’s greatest engineering accomplishment?

The Hoover Dam
The Empire State Building
The Transcontinental Railroad
The Erie Canal

The railroad was a pretty big deal, but, seeing as I live right next to it and look at it every morning from my bathroom and kitchen windows, I’m gonna be a homer and go with the Erie Canal. It just goes to show that with enough Irishmen and enough shovels, you can do pretty much anything.

Which of the following innovations, if any, do you feel has contributed the most to America’s success?

The steam engine
The electric light
The cotton gin
The assembly line
Gas-powered automobiles
Modern aviation

This is one where if I was allowed a write-in vote, I’d vote for labor. You know, the people that actually made all the other choices? But if I can’t go with that, I dunno. I guess you’d need to define “success.” I mean, are we talking military success? Economic? Can you have one without the other? I guess for military success, you can’t beat modern aviation, which gave us the ability to rain down an unprecedented amount of destruction on our hapless enemies. But then you wouldn’t have gotten very far in aviation without the gasoline engine (and gas-powered cars and modern aviation would have been impossible without the assembly line credited to everybody’s favorite Nazi sympathizer, Henry Ford). And the assembly line would be nothing without a labor force to work on it (oh, forgot; that’s not a choice). So I’ll go with the electric light, without which, it would have been hard to work inside those dark factories.

Oh, and the steam engine? American? Puh-leeze. You have to credit the British for that; hell, the first one was patented by the English military engineer and inventor Thomas Savery in 1698 – almost 80 years before the declaration of independence – and refined by James Watt (who had a unit of power named after him that you may have heard of: the Watt). If you ever want to see a great collection of steam engines and boilers (and a whole lot more, including everything from dinosaurs to rockets), you need to go to the Science Museum in London, which, among other things, has James Watt’s lab (all its contents were packed up and recreated precisely in the museum).

OK, sorry to digress, but I used to be a bit of a steam head in one of my past lives.

Which of the following, if any, would you say has had the greatest influence on modern American popular culture?

Smartphones (e.g., PDAs such as the iPhone or Blackberry)
Video game systems
Digital video recorders (e.g., TiVo, DVR)
iPod/MP3 player
Personal computer
Internet

Internet, hands down.

Which of the following, if any, would you say is the most important amendment to the U.S. Constitution?

Freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly and petition (1st Amendment)
Protection against search or seizure without a warrant (4th Amendment)
Allowing women the right to vote (19th Amendment)
Direct election of Senators by citizens (17th Amendment)
Allowing those over 18 the right to vote (26th Amendment)
Right to keep and bear arms (2nd Amendment)
Abolition of slavery (13th Amendment

They’re all pretty important (though the 4th and 1st have been rather trampled on), but abolishing slavery has to be the most important, no? I mean, people are not the property of other people. It’s a disgrace that we were founded on that principle, and travesty that it required an amendment to the Constitution (and some 700,000 deaths) to abolish it. Even more disgusting, it wasn’t until 1995 (that’s NINETEEN) that Mississippi ratified it.

Which of the following, if any, would you say is/are America’s biggest “villain(s)”?

Bernie Madoff
Lee Harvey Oswald
Benedict Arnold
Timothy McVeigh
Al Capone
The Rosenbergs
John Wilkes Booth

The Rosenbergs? Oy. Hard not to go with Tim McVeigh, but he’d probably enjoy the title, so fuck him. I think I’d add Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Bush to the list if it were up to me. Booth and Oswald are certainly up there, but I’ll have to go with Madoff for screwing over so many people who thought they’d be able to retire and now will have to work until they die.

Which of the following, if any, do you believe is America’s biggest modern political scandal?

The impeachment of President Nixon
The impeachment of President Clinton
President Reagan and the Iran Contra scandal
President George W. Bush and the lack of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq

Iraq WMDs (or lack thereof). Iran Contra is close, though.

Which of the following, if any, would you say has been America’s greatest mistake?

Vietnam War
2000 Presidential election
Bay of Pigs invasion
2009 financial bailout
Slavery
Japanese internment camps during World War II
Government response to Hurricane Katrina
Takedown of Saddam Hussein
2010 health care reform
McCarthyism/The Red Scare
Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
War on Terror
Salem witch trials
Prohibition

This one’s a toughie. I’m inclined to pick the 2000 election, but, as bad as that (and what it led to) was, it’s hard not to go with Vietnam, or the Atomic Bombs, or the whole War on Terror bullshit, or the Japanese internment camps…. But I have to go with slavery.

Which of the following, if any, would you say has been America’s greatest achievement?

Government system of checks & balances (3 branches)
Winning independence from Britain
Constitutional right to freedom of speech
National highway system
Electing a mixed race President
Constitution stating that all men are created equal
Space program
The New Deal
Giving women the right to vote
Modern aviation
Putting a man on the moon
Abolition of slavery

Well, let’s see…. If the Constitutional stuff hadn’t been so corrupted over the years, I might go with one of them. I can’t go with abolishing slavery, because I just can’t consider doing what’s right to be a great achievement. We should have done the right thing from the beginning. Same with giving women the right to vote. I’m a big fan of the space program, but I guess, to me, the greatest achievement was the New Deal. It really was what made this country great (when it was still great), and created a class of people somewhere in between the privileged and the destitute. Not that it solved all problems, of course, but (for a while, anyway), it really made this country something special. And that it was all brought about by a member of the privileged class makes it all the more remarkable.

Which of the following, if any, would you say is/are America’s most iconic symbol(s)?

Grand Canyon
Bald eagle
Hot dogs
Mount Rushmore
The White House
Statue of Liberty
Washington Monument
American flag
Baseball
Apple pie
The colors red, white & blue
Cowboys
Uncle Sam
Twin Towers
The Capitol Building

The Twin Towers? Christ, I hope not. I hope we’re not symbolized by death and destruction. I think I’ll go with the Statue of Liberty. A symbol of what we used to stand for (in theory, anyway), imported from a foreign country. Yep, that says America to me.

To the best of your knowledge, during which of the following decades did slavery in the United States officially end?

In the…

1800’s
1840’s
1860’s
1880’s
1900’s
1920’s

Is this a trick question? I mean, unless you’re from Mississippi.

To the best of your knowledge, during which of the following decades were women given the right to vote in the United States?

In the…

1860’s
1880’s
1900’s
1910’s
1920’s

Again, a trick question? As I recall, the 19th Amendment was ratified in 1920, wasn’t it? Doesn’t everybody know that? Or do I just know it because I was born and raised in the cradle of the Women’s Suffrage movement?

To the best of your knowledge, which of the following conflicts resulted in the greatest number of American casualties?

Civil War
World War I
World War II
Korean War
Vietnam War
Iraq/Afghanistan Wars

Um, duh? What with everybody being an American in the Civil War, that seems like a pretty obvious one.

OK, so that’s what I think. What would your answers be?

So, just in case you didn’t catch it yesterday, the US Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia ruled that the FCC has no jurisdiction to require broadband providers to treat all traffic on their networks equally. So, Comcast can block Bitorrent (or Hulu, or Skype, or all those fancy Iphone and Ipad apps), Verizon can relegate Time Warner VoIP phone traffic to the slow lane (and vice versa), Wal-Mart can pay for preferential treatment while Amazon stays on the equivalent of dial-up, and Rupert Murdoch can cut deals with Internet backbone providers (or even buy them up), to keep Fox-approved sites running fast, and anti-American sites (like Crooks and Liars, Media Matters, and, dare I suggest it, Morning Seditionists) all but unreachable.

Just to recap, corporations can buy up all the media outlets (newspapers, TV, and radio) in a market, they can directly fund political campaigns with no limits, and they can buy and control the Internet.

Even scarier, the Court declared that, if there’s gonna be Net Neutrality, Congress will have to legislate it. Let me just repeat that: we have to rely on Congress to not only understand the issue, but do the right thing. Lotsa luck.

Not counting last week’s massive storms and flooding, a new study shows that “extreme precipitation events” are becoming more prevalent – in line with Climate Change predictions.

The study…examined 60 years’ worth of National Weather Service rainfall records in nine Northeastern states and found that storms that produce an inch or more of rain in a day — a threshold the recent storm far surpassed — are coming more frequently.

“It’s almost like 1 inch of rainfall has become pretty common these days,” said Bill Burtis, spokesman for Clean Air-Cool Planet, a global warming education group that released the study Monday along with the University of New Hampshire’s Carbon Solutions New England group.

The study’s results are consistent with what could be expected in a world warmed by greenhouse gases, said UNH associate professor Cameron Wake.
[…]
What is more certain, researchers said, is the potential economic impact should the 60-year trend continue and require billions of dollars in infrastructure improvements to things in the region including roads, bridges, sewers and culverts.

On the bright side, once corporate control over the news and Internet has been fully asserted, we won’t have to hear all this bad, un-American news. So just sit back and watch the televised karaoke, and let Glenn Beck explain it all.