The House barely (217-214; they have funny rules in the House – whoever gets the most votes wins) passed a $154 billion jobs bill yesterday. It was (of course) opposed by every Republican and 38 Democrats, on the supposed premise that it just costs too darn much. For those keeping score, that’s about half of what the war in Afghanistan is projected to cost in fiscal year 2010 alone, or less than 5% of the estimated cost of the combined Iran/Afghanistan wars since 2001 (about $325 billion a year through FY 2010). I don’t recall any “deficit hawks” squawking about that, though (the liberal media probably just didn’t report it).

Howard Dean had a pretty heated discussion with Tweety and Mary Landrieu last night over Dean’s “kill the shitty Senate health care bill” position. This part was really the most telling:

[Landrieu] accused [Dean] of wanting to eliminate insurance companies. “Nonsense,” Dean interrupted.

“You would not let us choose another program,” he argued. “You forced us into the insurance industry. We don’t want to be forced into the insurance industry. You took away our choice. That is wrong!”

“That is not true. You never had that choice to begin with,” responded Landrieu.

Well, there you go. You never had a choice and you never will. So STFU. Reasoning so simple, I’m surprised they didn’t use it to keep abortion illegal.

I’ll tell ya, my Senators aren’t perfect (the big news this morning is that Chuck Schumer was asked by a flight attendant to put his cell phone away, and he “muttered something” – we don’t officially know what, but we’re pretty sure it was “bitch” – under his breath after she walked away. A dick move, to be sure, but not exactly shocking; goodness knows I’ve never muttered “bitch,” “asshole,” or “fuck you” under my breath at anybody who was inconveniencing me by doing their job 🙄 – that bitch Park Ranger in New Jersey that confiscated our beer and gave us a $150 ticket comes to mind), but at least Schumer and Gillibrand aren’t Joe Lieberman and Mary Landrieu (or Ben Nelson, Max Baucus…).

Breaking news: Tiger Woods’ wife is reportedly going to file for divorce. I’m surprised. I really thought those two kids were gonna make it.

It looks like the video feeds from our brave, unmanned Predator drones flying over Iraq, Pakistan, and Afghanistan are being hijacked by “insurgents” using cheap software you can get off the Internet (though I wouldn’t recommend you download it at the moment, unless you want a one-way trip to Guantanamo Illinois). Now the Pentagon says, “oh, well, I guess we better encrypt that shit,” which you woulda thunk was kind of obvious, no? If it was me, I’d have some unencrypted feeds out there running loops of the drones flying over, like, the other side of the country from where the real ones are at. Kinda fool ’em, you know?

“Mahmoud, is that a drone up there in the sky?”

“No, Akbar, it can’t be. I have the live feed here, and they are flying over Krapistan now. Or maybe New Jersey – hard to tell.”

“Ah, praise Allah. Must be a weather balloon. Set up the rocket launchers.”

Speaking of drones, Granny is venturing out into this 10 degree (and dropping) morning, heading over to the local Air Base to join the Syracuse Peace Council in protesting the fact that the Air Force (the “Boys from Syracuse,” which had previously flown A-10 “Warthogs” in Gulf War One, and most recently F-16s) is now flying our version of unmanned drones – the bigger, better, more heavily armed “Reaper” – in combat air support missions over Afghanistan. I suggested a sign that says, “More Cowbell!” but I guess that’d just confuse everybody.

One of my hobbies is filling out online surveys. I fill ’em out and get points, and when I accumulate about a billion points, I get to pick out a crappy little “prize” (the prizes used to be a lot better than they are now – that’s how I got my little atomic-clock-synced travel alarm clock that I never use ‘cuz I never travel, and my wireless indoor/outdoor weather thingie with an atomic clock in it that sits on a shelf in my kitchen next to the travel clock, because there are only four other clocks – or things with clocks built into them – in my kitchen). I’m not in it for the prizes, though; it’s a really good way to kill time waiting for the day to be over.

Anyhow, I took one the other day that was all about a print ad for some “clinical strength” deodorant, and whether I’ve ever used/needed “clinical strength” or “prescription” deodorant. And I thought to myself, “there’s such a thing as prescription deodorant?”

I mean, no offense to anybody with chronic perspiration control problems (CPCP), but how bad do you have to sweat before you go get a prescription for it (and who wants to be the next person to sit in that guy’s chair in the waiting room)? And what, exactly, do you put it on (the prescription, not the chair)?

I mean, I’ve been known to sweat (I am a real man, after all), and when I sweat, under my arms is the least of it. It gushes from my head, back, and (at the risk of revealing too much information) my naughty bits. When I was forced to spend that summer in DC, I felt like I was walking around with a 50 pound sponge shoved down my pants (and not in a good way).

But, whatever. An ad with a stick of deodorant in front of a sand dune certainly isn’t gonna make me any more likely to buy it. If you sweat that bad, about all you can do is let ‘er rip and try to mask the smell (hint: drink lots of water).

Oh, crap, it’s getting late here – gotta go. Have a good one.

OK, well, no “Public Option,” and no Medicare buy-in, but at least we’ll get some relief on medications with a new drug re-importation law. Ha! Gotcha! Byron Dorgan’s amendment may have had a majority of Senators on board, but only 51 of them, so it’s dead, Jim. It looked like there would be enough votes for cloture last week, but President Obama showed just how forceful a leader he can be if properly motivated, and the prospect of Americans (and the Federal Government) saving billions of dollars on drugs at the expense of Big Pharma losing a few bucks was enough to launch the President into action. Good job, Barry, but I think you can do more. Why not mandate medication for everybody or something? Not pot, though – legalizing and taxing marijuana is just plain silly. I mean, you can’t patent pot, so there’s no money in it for the pharmaceutical companies. Kinda makes you wanna break out your Lee Greenwood albums, doesn’t it?

In another of the “Great Moments of the Obama Administration,” looks like there’s a new Federal jobs program. This one involves sending more than 50,000 contractors to Afghanistan (that’s on top of the 100,000 or so already there). Not only will this add jobs, but some of them are sure to get killed, creating more openings. It’s a win-win.

Joe Lieberman told the Democratic caucus that he’s sorry (well, not actually sorry, but he has “regrets”) for being such a douchebag pain in the ass. And PA Senator Bob Casey was really, really touched (probably close to tears) by Joey’s words.

“One thing that he acknowledged, which was important, was how difficult this has been for people on both sides of it,” Casey said of Lieberman. “I was struck by how human that moment was….”

Gee. I’m really fuckin’ struck, too. All’s forgiven, Joe. I love you, man!

By the way, Tiger, you’ve got two hours to come up with some hush money, or I go public with our affair. You think your sponsors are a little uneasy with a golfer than can’t keep his 3-wood in the bag, wait until they find out you can only get off if you’re on all fours pretending to line up a putt. Just sayin’.

So, it appears that, with direct help from Rahm Emanuel, Joe Lieberman has managed to kill the latest version of health care reform that included a medicare buy in for some people age 55+. As far as I can tell, what’s left is a plan to force everybody to buy insurance with no provision to hold down premiums. Joe and his insurance company owners win. So, I think it’s time to just bullet in the brain of this so-called reform and give up. This is worse than doing nothing at all. I understand that Senate rules allow a minority of Senators that represent a tiny fraction of the population to have Caesar-like control of the process (unless Republicans are in the majority, in which case the rules are vastly different), so it’s time to do the only thing left – kill the bill and take your lumps at the polls in the next election. It’s time to stop protecting and apologizing for the White House. And of course it’s time to cut Lieberman loose. There’s really no point in having him caucus with the Democrats if he’s not going to vote with them. If the Republicans want him, fine. And if Connecticut wants him, good for them.

I somehow managed to miss President Obama’s media blitz last night. Apparently he was on both 60 Minutes and an Oprah “Christmas at the White House” with the Obamas special (that’s gotta really chap some freeper ass; dreaming of a white Christmas, indeed). From what I’ve read, though, he was wonderful, which is no surprise because he always does a nice job when it comes to speaking and interviewing and stuff. And, by golly, he’s apparently pretty darned miffed at those darn old Wall Street “fat cats,” puttng them on notice that he didn’t run for office to help them out (I guess he felt obliged to make that clear, ‘cuz you’d never know it from what his administration’s done so far). I’m mean, his administration is already employing as many Wall Street insiders as it can, so the rest of ’em are just gonna have to stand up on their own two feet (while trying not to fall off that big pile of taxpayer money they’re sitting on). And it was really, really hard for him to escalate that war in Afghanistan, but, hey by the end of next year, we’re gonna know how things are going, and whether we’ll be there forever, or just for another 25 years or so. All-in-all, he gives himself a solid B+, with the only minor blemishes on his first year being selling out universal heath care on day one, and that whole pesky 10% unemployment thing the Wall Street bailout inexplicably failed to do much about. Hey, Mr. President, c’mon. One thing I learned in those “grade yourself” type classes – always give yourself an ‘A’ no matter what. Hey, if you don’t love yourself, right? This is no time to be humble (save that for when a dozen mistresses come out of the woodwork to detail your philandering ways – oh, and if that actually does happen, you watch out, dude, ‘cuz Michelle aint no prissy little white supermodel, and you’re gonna lose more than your rear window).

Speaking of fooling around on your wife, I have a confession to make. I had sex with Tiger Woods, and am willing to spill all the salacious details for the right price (just a little tease: he’s a bottom). Conversely, I’m also willing to have Tiger pay for my silence. I’m not asking for all that much, really. A million (net), and I’ll keep my mouth shut (which is more than I can say for Tiger – oops, OK, but that’s all you get for free). I considered writing a tell-all book, but that would take a lot of time and effort, and I’m looking to cash in quick here. I need it by Wednesday morning at 9:00. I don’t want publicity – just cash.

Unlike me, though, Joe Lieberman (speaking of bottoms) loves being Mr. Fucking Important, and he’s just lapping up all the publicity from his “just say no” stance on health care reform. Now he’s told Harry Reid he’ll vote to filibuster any bill that includes anything resembling reform. It’s way past time to smack that whiny little ass down, though I don’t see happening. I’d not only strip him of his seniority and chairmanships, I’d move his desk to the third floor mens room, and move his parking spot to Silver Spring, MD. Let him ride the friggin’ Red Line in to DC every day – I’m sure he’d get a yuck out of seeing all the uninsured homeless people along the way.

Oh well, until Tiger drops a couple mill in my PayPal account, I guess I better get to work.

Today promises to be absolutely booblisious. For instance, on Press the Meat, it’s the chair the President’s Council of Economic Advisers, Christina Romer. Then things get really booby, with a roundtable of Mr Andrea Mitchell, Alan Greenspan, Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, Mitt and the Magic Underpants Romney, and douchebag Jim Cramer.

The boobs keep on bouncin’ over at CBS, as Faze the Nation has sad sack Joe Lieberman, ferret face Mitch McConnell, Ben “worst hairpiece in the US Senate” Nelson, and Jay Rockefeller.

On Fux News Sunday, Weaselface Wallace has Judd Gregg and Claire McCaskill, plus one of the biggest boobs in the Federal Government, James Inhofe, and Ed Markey. Today’s fuxheads include idiot (but not savant) Bill Kristol and abortion that lived, Liz Cheney. Fux’s Power Player of the Week is Inez Tenenbaum, Chairman, US Consumer Product Safety Commission.

The Goebbels Network welcomes Wall Street’s the Obama Administration’s Larry Summers and shithead Eric Cantor. Plus George Snufalufagus hosts a “powerhouse” roundtable with George :jerk: Will, Bush mouthpiese Ed Gillespie, Arianna Huffington, John Podesta and April Ryan, Chief Washington Correspondent for American Urban Radio Network.

On CNN Fareed Zakaria has a “debate” on Global Warming between Danish author Bjorn Lomborg (author of ‘The Skeptical Environmentalist, which the Danish Committees on Scientific Dishonesty cited for Fabrication of data, Selective discarding of unwanted results (selective citation), Deliberately misleading use of statistical methods, Distorted interpretation of conclusions, Plagiarism, and Deliberate misinterpretation of others’ results), and Paul Krugman on global warming. Plus a panel discussion with a bunch of unnamed “stars.”

Have a good one.

For some reason yesterday, I set my Facebook language to German. I’d been playing the German versions of the South Park Dreidel song and Mr. Hankey der Weinhactskot, and then for some reason there was a link on Facebook that said “switch to Deutsch” or something. So, I clicked it, and now I have 20 postfach, 2 Veranstaltungseinladungen, 2 Gruppeneinladungen, 2 Seitenvorschläge, 25 weitere Anfragenmy, my sister has zurückstupsen me, and Liz Winstead and I have 10 gemeinsame Freunde. While I can figure out what most of that means, I’ll be damned if I can figure out how the hell to change it back to English. Was fickt das? Good thing I don’t use it much.

I get the impression that a lot of people hate Tiger Woods, don’t you? I mean, OK, he appears to be a bit of a – what would you call it? Scallywag? Rake? Debaucher? Duchovny? I guess he’s a bit of a phony and a hypocrite (and kind of a dick), but there’s plenty of that going around. Assuming you’re not married to him, though, I fail to see the obsession with him and his philandering (it’s not like he went MIA from the Governor’s Mansion or something). I’d like to think I’m a better person than that, but it’s definitely a lot easier to stay “pure” when you’re not a billionaire and don’t exactly have the women pounding on your door. I mean, let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that.

Speaking of scumbags, it looks like Bill O’Reilly has his knickers in a knot about Law and Order producer Dick Wolff (which seems kinda ironic; based on Andrea Mackris’ lawsuit against him, Bill – like Tiger – seems like a bit of a Dick Wolf himself). Apparently Bill really doesn’t have a handle on the whole fiction vs. reality thing (no surprise there), and has taken umbrage at a line uttered by one of the characters on a recent L&O show:

Garrison, Limbaugh, Beck, O’Reilly, all of them. They’re like a cancer spreading ignorance and hate. I mean, they have convinced folks that immigrants are the problem, not corporations that fail to pay a living wage or a broken health care system.

Personally, I’d have added Dobbs to that list, but, whatever. Bill was most decidedly not amused.

O’Reilly called that “simply defamatory and outrageous,” and labeled Wolf “a coward” and “a liar.”

“I have consistently defended poor people who only want a better life,” O’Reilly said. “If you watch ‘The Factor’ you know my beef is with the federal government not controlling illegal immigration and with violent aliens who wreak havoc once they get here.”

O’Reilly went on to call Wolf “a despicable human being for distorting and exploiting this very complicated situation.”

Oh, boo-fuckin’-hoo, Billy. Want a little cheese with that whine?

Oh well, I slept in late this morning, so I guess I better get busy. Have a good day, y’all.

Yesterday morning as I was trying to get my shit together and get out the door, I caught a few minutes of that bastion of morning teevee Urinalism, “The Today Show.” It was that part in the beginning where they spend about five minutes on “real news” before moving on to more important things like how many chicks Tiger Woods is banging on the side or the cross on Moses the cow’s forehead (which isn’t really a cross, but, whatever). I could tell it was the serious news part because they had serious news person Andrea Mitchell (who always reminds me of Katherine Helmond in “Brazil”) on. Andrea was reporting on climate change and Global Warming. Well, not really. She was reporting on a “feud” between Al Gore and the Wolf Killa from Wasilla, Sarah Palin, over the op-ed piece that Sarah signed her name to in the Washington Post the other day. Al pointed out how stupid Global Warming deniers are, and Palin responded with a series of snotty Facebook posts that Mitchell read on the air. Yes, that’s what journalism has become – they don’t even have to be stenographers anymore, they just pull up Facebook and read what’s there. Rather than, oh, I dunno, maybe doing some reporting on whether or not the vast majority of scientists believe that climate change is both real and man made, her report basically consisted of “Gore said, ‘Yes it is.’ Palin responded with, ‘No it isn’t.’ Gore: ‘Uh-huh.’ Palin: ‘Nuh-uh.'” It’s shit like this that (almost) makes me glad I have to go to work in the morning.

I’m reluctant to mention this sports-related item but, what the hell: Nine-and-oh, baby!

Matt Taibbi has an interesting article up at Rolling Stone, entitled “Obama’s Big Sellout.”

Barack Obama ran for president as a man of the people, standing up to Wall Street as the global economy melted down in that fateful fall of 2008. He pushed a tax plan to soak the rich, ripped NAFTA for hurting the middle class and tore into John McCain for supporting a bankruptcy bill that sided with wealthy bankers “at the expense of hardworking Americans.”
[…]
Then he got elected.

What’s taken place in the year since Obama won the presidency has turned out to be one of the most dramatic political about-faces in our history. …Obama had a clear mandate to rein in Wall Street and remake the entire structure of the American economy. What he did instead was…[pack] the key economic positions in his White House with the very people who caused the crisis in the first place. This new team of bubble-fattened ex-bankers and laissez-faire intellectuals then proceeded to sell us all out, instituting a massive, trickle-up bailout and systematically gutting regulatory reform from the inside.

But, hey, he accepted a Nobel Peace Prize by saying that the US has a right to kick ass anytime, anywhere, no matter what – you gotta give him credit for that. He’ll be out there “clearing brush” at his ranch in Chicago before you know it.

Speaking of “War is Peace,” “Escalation is Withdrawal,” “Obama is Change,” and stuff, Harry Reid says no “Public Option” is better than the “Public Option” (that was never really an option). Not that it matters, since Queen Olympia Snowe and King Joey Lieberman will never let the Medicare buy-in (which, while it’s pretty crappy in that you can’t buy into it unless you can’t get insurance through your employer and is gonna be more expensive than private insurance, apparently isn’t crappy enough for the Connecticut Crybaby) happen.

Speaking of Lieberman, break out those Dreidels, ‘cuz Chanukah begins at sundown tonight (which is what, about 3:00 these days?). Chappy Chanukah to all the Jewish folks out there. Keep your N’er Tamid trimmed and burnin’.

Today, President Obama goes to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace Prize, just nine days after announcing the escalation of the war in Afghanistan and several days spent by members of his administration adamantly declaring that when he said we would begin withdrawing troops in 2011, it didn’t mean that we’d be withdrawing troops in 2011. What’s next? A posthumous Lifetime Achievement award for Stalin? Obama will reportedly be met by a few thousand ant-war protesters when he arrives (ironic, to be sure), so naturally he’s decided to piss off the Norwegians by blowing off lunch with the King. Oh, sure, you’ll bow to the Japanese, but you’re too good to sit down for a bowl of Fiskesuppe with King Harald? What? A little too white for you? Nice way to thank them for the $16 million they’re spending on security for your trip (that’s, like 92 million Kroners, which would buy helluva lot of Carlsbergs).

Alyssa Milano is “giving up” her 37th birthday to draw attention to the lack of clean drinking water in many parts of the world (I know what you’re thinking: “holy shit, she’s 37? Damn, I feel old”). A noble cause, Alyssa, but I think you need something bigger. I’m thinking some sort of PETA-like ad with you and water. I have several ideas. Perhaps we could make this a joint venture. Have your people call my people, and maybe we can work something out.

There appears to have been a “breakthrough” in Senate health care reform negotiations last night, with whatever they concocted being sent to the CBO for “scoring.” Details are sketchy, but it appears the new plan will cover people whose injuries are related to cheating on their supermodel spouses, as well as mothers who give birth to six or more consecutive children within a 24-hour period (the children themselves, however, will not be covered). As a trade off designed to gain support of conservatives and right-to-lifers, any medical procedure involving a woman’s hoo-hoo (defined as the area between knees and navel) may not be covered by any plan that receives federal funding (except for c-sections, which will be free as long as they’re scheduled at least two weeks in advance, and take place during normal business hours).

Also, the female hoo-hoo shall be stricken from the curriculum of any medical college that receives federal funding, since knowledge of that area is thought to encourage promiscuous behavior. As a nod to the ladies, new breast implants will now be covered, with a $75 co-pay. Women with existing implants will also be eligible for a replacement set, provided they’re trading up at least one cup size. This will be covered by a new fee imposed on breast reduction surgery.

As a concession to male Republicans and Joe Lieberman, prescriptions for erectile dysfunction medications will be required to be covered with no co-pay up to 62 doses per month (though patients can request a rather ironically named “hardship exemption,” good for an additional 30 pills in any month where they can prove travel out of the country to Haiti, the Dominican Republic or Bangkok). This so-called “Viagara” amendment will be paid for by a 300% tax on condoms and 750% surcharge on birth control pills, diaphragms, spermicidal jelly, IUDs, and Mifepristone. A Senator closely involved in the negotiations is quoted as saying,

“I’ve got a smile on my face. I don’t smile naturally.”

Apparently that’s not the only thing he no longer comes by naturally.

In more important news, however, our snow drought appears to have ended at day 287; there are a couple of inches of snow in my back yard, and the news crawl is full of school closings and delays. We’re supposed to get six inches or so by mid-morning (not a lot by our standards – and certainly nothing like the folks out there in the Midwest are having to deal with, but since this is the first significant accumulation in 288 days, it’s nice to see). I think it’s all sitting on a coat of ice, too, so it ought to be slow going on the way to work this morning (might take me four minutes instead of two). Sadly, the snow is going to turn to sleet and then rain, so by the time I get out of work, the snow will all be gone. Never fear, though; this was just a little bit to prime the pump, and more snow’s a comin’ later in the week.

Oh well, time to get out there and try and get over the hump.

Just as people of a certain generation will never forget where they were on yesterday’s date in 1941, and those of another generation will always remember where they were on November 22, 1963, I will forever recall vividly where I was 29 years ago tonight. Ronald Reagan had been elected President about a month earlier, defeating Jimmy Carter in a landslide, thanks, in large part, to the fact that something like 70 Americans were into their 13th month as hostages in Iran, and the Soviets seemed to be poised to invade Poland. It was a Monday night, and I was a college junior in my dorm room at SUNY Oswego. A couple of my friends were down in the lounge watching Monday Night Football, but it was a crappy game between the Patriots and the Dolphins that I wasn’t much interested in. So, instead, I was in bed with the lights out, taking a little toke, and listening to the radio – WCMF from Rochester, which was a really good station back in those days. The DJ broke in at some point with the news that John Lennon had been shot in New York City, and a few minutes later – just before 11:00 PM – he had to choke back tears as he announced that John had died of gunshot wounds. Stunned, I walked down to the lounge and told the people watching the game that John Lennon had been shot to death. A few moments later, Howard Cosell announced it to the football-watching world, and I went back to my room to listen to a constant stream of Lennon songs that would continue over the next few days.

I don’t think I can adequately express how I felt (how we all felt). Everything about it really sucked. It would have sucked if he’d died in a car accident or a plane crash or even a heroin overdose, but that somebody who wrote songs about peace had been murdered so young and so violently was stunning. I mean, who didn’t love John Lennon (Nixon, Hoover, Haleman and Erlichman)? And after taking a few years off to be a dad, here he was back again, having just released Double Fantasy, which, if you ignored the Yoko tracks, had some great music on it, and he was already in the rehearsal stage for his next album – Milk and Honey. Suddenly he was gone. Some deranged asshole had done what Nixon never could – silence John Lennon’s voice forever.

If there is a God and God lets shit like this happen, then God’s a dick.

But time marches on, and now it’s almost 30 years later. We never did manage to give peace a chance, did we?