I was reading this story at the Independent about an IEEE report entitled “Where water meets watts” that says every Google search costs .5 ml of water. Now that Granny’s gone, instead of drinking one pot of coffee a day, I’ve been going three days on one pot, so I figured what the hell, I can spare a few milliliters on needless random searches. That somehow led me to “30 Annoying Things Men Assume About Women.” I’m always one to better myself, so I figured maybe I’d learn something to make me a better human in general, and husband in particular.

After yesterday’s “who did the US declare independence from” Marist poll, I thought maybe one of the 30 things would be “men assume that a third of women don’t know that the US declared independence from England.” But since 20% of men are equally “history challenged,” I figure those two groups are living in ignorant bliss together wearing their teabagger hats while tacking up “These Colors Don’t Run,” “Abortion is Murder,” “Drill Baby Drill,” and “Palin/Cheney 2012” posters on their neighborhood telephone poles, gun store windows, and godless socialist bus shelters. The rest of the women are no doubt married to men who know better but are deliberately keeping their wives in the dark in order to keep them ignorant and subservient because, well, that’s what men do.

But there was nary a mention of history or men’s oppression of women. Instead, it seemed to be a rather stupid list, for the most part.

1. That you want an egg white omelet, not a regular yokey delicious one, because you must be on a diet.

Huh? I don’t spend a whole lot of time thinking about omelets, to be honest. And I don’t think my wife does, either.

2. That you can’t parallel park.

Here in NY, we have to parallel park in order to pass our road test. It’s a skill quickly forgotten by both genders (unless you live in a city where you have to do it every day; fortunately, up here in the provinces, that’s not necessary – no parallel parking required at “the mall”).

3. That you’re in a bad mood because you must be getting your period.

The bad moods of women I’ve known have never been limited to “that time of the month.” Truth be told, they usually have something to do with me.

4. That you don’t like manly alcohols like beer and whiskey.

My wife doesn’t like beer. Neither one of us like whiskey. I’ve known women who love beer, though. Vodka, too. In fact, I’ve often counted on it.

5. That you know nothing about sports.

My sister knows more about sports than most men, and I’ve known lots of women that are sports fans. Why I didn’t marry one remains a mystery to me.

6. That you can’t operate a power drill.

My mother would have had trouble with a drill. My sister and my wife are both champs.

7. That you own 10 million pairs of shoes.

I think I own more shoes than my wife does (assuming you count work boots as shoes).

8. That because you’re a single female, you want a relationship and you obviously want it with them.

I’ve been out of the dating circle (aka, bar scene) for many years now, but, sadly, it was always my experience that whether or not single females wanted relationships, they most decidedly did not want one with me.

9. That you’re a fan of Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon, and Julia Roberts’ movies.

Who doesn’t like Reese Witherspoon?

10. That you have an opinion on Edward versus Jacob.

I have no idea whatsoever who Edward or Jacob is.

11. That you have strong feelings about anniversaries and Valentine’s Day.

Not in my house.

12. That you want kids. Hell, that you even like kids.

Hey, I like kids. Not as much as I like Reese Witherspoon, though.

13. That you’re obsessed with having a wedding.

Not my wife. And my sister eloped so that she didn’t have to have one. Some people are into that kind of thing, though.

14. That you’re already in love with them or that you fell in love with them first.

See #8

15. That you think you’re too fat.

I’m too busy thinking I’m too fat to worry about what they’re thinking (except I figure they’re thinking I’m too fat).

16. That you want Diet Coke, light cream cheese, and your dressing on the side.

That ranks right up there with the ‘yolkey” omelet thing.

17. That you’re angry about something because you’re “bitter.”

Again, if my wife’s pissed, it’s usually related to something I did.

18. That you always need time to put on makeup or do your hair before you leave the house.

My mom? Absolutely. In fact, she typically required an entire day to get ready to go to her night time receptionist job. The wife and my sister? Not so much. I don’t think my sister has ever worn makeup, except maybe to cover up a zit or two in high school.

19. That you don’t know anything about putting together Ikea furniture.

When we get stuff that needs to be put together, my wife is in charge of reading the directions. It works much better than me trying to do it alone.

20. That you don’t know how to cook a steak properly.

Beats me. We don’t eat red meat.

21. That you can’t have sex without feelings involved.

All depends on how much beer and/or whiskey (and vodka) was involved.

22. That the magazine you want them to bring home for you to read when you are sick in bed is US Weekly.

Hell no. It’s “Weekly World News.” Especially if it’s a Bat Boy issue.

23. That you hate scary movies.

My wife likes scary movies – as long as they aren’t too gory. She doesn’t like shit blowing up a lot though.

24. That you’re not into watching porn.

Having once been a porn projectionist, I’ve seen all the porn I care to see.

25. That you are magically equipped with the powers of cooking and cleaning and have been since birth.

Oh, I don’t think it’s a “magical” power.

26. That you know how to sew buttons.

My wife knows how to sew buttons. Than again, so do I (my sister taught me. Or maybe it was mother. Can’t recall). I do not however, know how the hell to thread the sewing machine (talk about magical powers), and have no idea what a ‘bobbin’ is for (other than it’s something that the red, red robin does).

27. That you like “Grey’s Anatomy.”

I think we tried to watch that once and didn’t like it. Or maybe that was “House.”

28. That your pubic hair will always be meticulously groomed.

Not really sure what that means. Are we talking braids or something?

29. That you can’t appreciate a flat screen TV, comprehensive stereo system, and other “complex” electronic devices.

My wife didn’t appreciate that until we got it. Now, she’s pretty much a believer.

30. That you won’t want to watch the latest sci-fi, action, or horror movie.

One of the things we shared was a love of Start Trek (especially TNG). In fact, she went to see the latest Star Trek movie without me.

I hope to find a 30 things women assume about men list out there somewhere so I can dispute it. Unfortunately, unlike this list, they’ll probably all be true.