So, the Brits are being bigger pricks than the US in not allowing the Iroquois National lacrosse team to travel on their Nation’s passports. As our local congresscritter said, “Clearly this is not a security issue. It’s an issue of bureaucracy.” My personal preference would be for the US team to refuse to play in support of the Haudenosaunee in their fight against British oppression. Limey bastids.

In other news, seems there’s another leak in BP’s oil hole that’ll need to be fixed before they try and test their new well cap. Goodness only knows what else will blow out if they ever actually try and shut this thing off. The oil and gas pressure is something like 12,000 psi, so any fatigue or damage in any other part of the system is certainly likely to blow apart once the big hole is plugged. Still, drilling is safe, and BP engineers are now working on a tartar sauce flavored dispersant to make Gulf seafood more palatable. Mmmm.

Sounds like Dick Cheney’s days may be numbered, unless he gets a heart transplant. I’m sure Chinese prison officials are scurrying around looking for a suitable donor at this very moment. Their death panels are much more efficient than ours are. I guess they should have gotten Mary to start breeding sooner – I doubt her baby is ready to supply any spare parts just yet. I think Dick will be genuinely surprised when he winds up in hell with Saddam Hussein, but I’ll be they’ll become fast friends.

In fact, I think that would make for a great buddy movie: “Dick and Saddam in Hell.” Can’t wait ’til Rumsfeld can join them for the sequel.

Cheney might have a little more time, but, unfortunately, I don’t. Time to go to work.

Odds are, you probably neither know nor care about the World Lacrosse Championships taking place in Manchester, England starting tomorrow (seems that lacrosse is huge in Manchester; who knew?). Thirty nations are participating. Well, make that 29, as the Iroquois National team is stranded in NYC.

Being citizens of a sovereign nation (which happens to be located in Upstate NY and Canada), team members carry Haudenosaunee passports. This has been good enough for the past 30+ years for traveling internationally, but now it seems that they low-tech passports don’t meet new high-tech standards, and, as the US government seems to be saying they won’t accept the passports for reentry, the British want a letter from the Department of State, stating that they’ll be allowed back into the US, or the team won’t be granted visas.

You’d think that would be simple enough (what with the Secretary of State being a former NY State Senator, the Vice President being an SU alum and lacrosse fan, and current NYS Senator Kirsten Gillibrand – among others – making personal pleas to the DOS to fix this stupidity), but unless somebody steps up by today, the Iroquois team (ranked #4 in the world, BTW), will be unable to attend.

The US has offered to supply temporary US passports, but, the team said thanks, but no thanks. The team has another flight booked for today. Hopefully they’ll make it.

Pretty interesting story about improving your credit rating on the lo-cal news this morning. Turns out, it’s important to pay your bills. Who knew? Otherwise, not much going on. BP will see if its new cap will work on it’s oil hole. Jon Kyl says rich people need tax cuts more than unemployed people need unemployment checks. Consumer Reports says it won’t recommend the iPhone. Turns out Fidel Castro isn’t dead yet. And Obama wants to continue with deep water oil drilling “if it’s proven safe.” Funny, ‘cuz I kinda thought was already proven not safe. depends on how you define safe, I guess.

If you’ve got a spare couple hundred grand you don’t know what to do with, you’re in luck. For lots of reasons. You could donate it to charity, I suppose, but you’d only be encouraging the shiftless, lazy, drug-addicted masses to remain unemployed. So why not buy Roy Rogers’ horse Trigger instead? Yes, Trigger – who not only became a movie horse legend in the 40’s and 50’s, but also served as the inspiration for the main ingredient at the Roy Rogers Fast Food chain, founded in 1968 in Frederick, MD – is up for auction at Christies. Trigger is one of the four most famous movie horses of all time (unless you can think of somebody besides Trigger, Silver, Flicka, and Mr. Ed – and don’t forget, Francis was a mule). I must say, Trigger looks pretty good for an 80 year old horse.

If you live in San Francisco (and you know who you are) and want to buy a pet companion animal, you may soon be out of luck.

San Francisco’s Commission of Animal Control and Welfare announced today that buying what they call, “companion animals”, could be anyone’s ticket to jail. These animals include dogs, cats, hamsters, mice, rats, chinchillas, guinea pigs, birds, snakes, lizards, and nearly every other critter.

If the ordinance passes San Francisco could be the first city in the nation to ban the sale all pets except fish.

Hey, what’s wrong with fish? Though I suppose in a city famous for seafood, it’d be tough to ban the purchase of something you get for dinner.

I think it’s a good idea – at least where dogs and cats are concerned. There are plenty of great critters out there who need a home, and there’s no reason to buy one from a puppy mill. But I guess if you’ve got a pet snake, you’re gonna have to go out and catch mice yourself.

It’s back to work again today, and back to 90 degree temperatures after a weekend of blessed relief from both. That sucks.

Oil spills, unemployment, Afghanistan, hordes of Mexicans overrunning the border…. Barack Obama has a lot of ‘splainin’ to do, and today Robert Gibbs will be on Press the Meat to do it for him. Then it’s a roundtable with that schmuck from the NY Times, David Brooks, creepy, failed Senate candidate (which, by media standards, makes him an expert) Harold Ford Jr, Ed “hey, somebody close that closet door” Gillespie, and Kent Jones’ sidekick, Rachel “I don’t look quite as goofy wearing a helmet as Michael Dukakis did, but it’s close” Maddow, who just returned from Afghanistan.

Over at CBS, Bob Schieffer has an “exclusive” with AG Eric “thank god my parents didn’t name me Dick” Holder (who looks kinda like Nassir, no?).

On Fux News Sunday, Weaselface Wallace will berate David Axelrod for a while, and then take a hard right turn to chat with that Krazy Jon Kyl from the kooky state of Arizona, and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

David Axelrod heads on over to the Goebbels network, to try and defend Obama’s radical idea that it’s the federal government that has jurisdiction over immigration – not Arizona’s – and then Republican douchebag Brian Bilbray and Luis Gutierrez will argue about it for a while, too. Plus, it’s a roundtable with the WaPosts’s, the National Review’s Reihan Salam, Ron Brownstein of the National Journal and, of course, George :jerk: Will.

Over at CNN, Fareed Zakaris is in London this week, with some “exclusive” one-on-one action with Britain’s Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Then Fareed interviews one of Britain’s own homegrown radical Muslim leaders, has a look at the British Royal Navy, and then does a story on soccer’s World Cup, which apparently is still going on.

One mother, four kids (at times, anyway), a couple of wars, three Presidents, at least 11 jobs, seven cars, four lawn mowers, two dogs, 13 cats, three stoves, three refrigerators, two hot water heaters, two dishwashers, three microwaves, two sets of washers/dryers, one liberal radio network, seven teevees, and countless cell phones. That’s what our house has seen since we got married 12 years ago today. That’s a lotta shit (and there’s plenty more where that came from).

I was young back then – a mere 37 years old. Skinny, too, since I actually had to work for a living as a Refrigeration Mechanic. Bill Clinton was President, and there was still a World Trade Center in NYC (back then, only clean-cut white guys blew up buildings).

Ah, those were the days.

Having been a bachelor until I was pushing 40, I’d never had the experience of living with a female for an extended period of time (not as a grownup, anyway), so the past 13 – 14 years have been interesting. Turns out, women are pretty handy to have around the house.

For one thing, they always have something called “tissues.” Guys don’t have tissues. We have toilet paper. Tissues are better (but not as toilet paper, ‘cuz your fingers tend to poke through). They also have lotion. We have spit (again, I gotta admit – lotion is better).

As a guy, I had no idea there was more than one kind of lotion. I figured it was all just some kind mixture of Crisco and water or something. Turns out, there are billions of ’em, made out of cucumbers and papayas and all kinds of other shit that smells like it’d go good with Doritos, all in different little jars and squeeze bottles. When you live with a woman, your bathroom starts to look like an Apothecary shop, filled with all kinds of potions, cotton balls, and mysterious (and somewhat malevolent-looking) little devices.

Plus, they stock lots and lots of paper towels. Before I got married, it never occurred to me to have at least one roll of paper towels (and a box of tissues, of course) in every room of the house (and all motor vehicles) at all times, but now I don’t know how I’d get along without them (the best part is, I don’t have to do anything; all this stuff just sort of magically appears). And they buy food, which is nice in a lot of ways (but, sadly, accounts for the all the pounds I’ve put on over the years).

Of course, they have their quirks, too.

For one thing, if they notice you’ve actually figured out where they keep stuff, the next day they move it and then look at you like they’re Cap’n Dan and you’re Forrest Gump (a combination of scorn, disgust, and pity) for not knowing where it is (took me about eight years to figure that trick out). Women also feel the need to put shit inside of (and behind) other shit (some sort of nesting instinct, I think, plus it makes it easier for them to hide shit on us), so in order to get to the shit you want, you first have to get all the other shit out of the way (and then put all that shit back again). Except, being a guy, I generally omit that last step, which gets me yelled at, but that’s where that married-guy selective deafness thing (that I’m still trying to perfect; my dad had down pat) comes in handy.

Females are pretty expensive, too (takes a lot of money to stock up on tissues, lotions, paper towels, and food).

They also seem to like to collect cats, for some reason.

All-in-all, though, these have been the happiest years of my life (that I remember; I’m a little vague on the years from 1978 through 1989 or so), and I can’t believe it’s been a dozen years already. Supposedly, 12 years is supposed to be “silk and linen,” but I think I’ll give her wood instead.

Anyhow, Happy Anniversary, Granny. And Happy Sunday to everybody else.

It’s a blessed break from the goddamn heat today, with temps only around 80 (may just have to open the windows). Back to the shit tomorrow and the rest of the week, though. Next week is a five-day week, so, between that and the heat, expect lots of whining. Yesterday, we went and spent way, way, way too much money on cordless cellular window shades (if the cats even think about climbing them, we’ll have a couple less cats around here) for the living room (if you’d told me a week ago I’d be buying something cordless and cellular, I’d have thought you were talking about something entirely different), and some granite-looking tiles. So I guess I’d better get busy and start working.

It really hadn’t occurred to me before, but now that you mention it, I can definitely see how the new “tan tax” is racist and unconstitutional, because only white people “need” a fake tan. Actually, I think it’s a more specific discrimination than that. It really only affects stupid white people (and rich ones – at least, rich enough to have nothing better to spend their money on than popping themselves into a giant toaster a couple of times a week). Frankly, constitutional or not, I’m 100% down with a tax on stupid rich white people.

A federal judge in Boston has ruled that the part of the Defense of Marriage Act that defines marriage as being between a man and woman is unconstitutional. Seems pretty obvious, but I’m sure this’ll raise the hackles of all those self-righteous folks out there who are working on their third or fourth wives, patronizing prostitutes, or cruising public mens rooms looking for a little action when they’re not busy yammering about the sanctity of marriage (you know, rich, stupid, white people). Lord knows, if they ever make gay marriage legal here in New York, I’m gonna dump Granny and find myself a dude. I’d probably have to start working out, though.

Speaking of Granny, she rolled back into town early yesterday evening. The dogs (and cats) were pretty happy to see her, but now that she’s talking about giving them (the dogs, not the cats) a bath, I think they’ll change their minds. On the bright side, with her back, they no longer feel the need to make sure I don’t get more than two feet away from them at any time, which makes it a lot easier for me to go back and forth to the fridge for a beer. I’m now allowed to get up to 30 feet away, as long as I’m not gone more than three minutes. After that, they come looking for me.

Lebron James is going to Miami. I didn’t see that one coming (but then, I wasn’t really paying attention). Cleveland’s owner is none too happy about that. I was kind of hoping he’d go to the Knicks, who would then trade for Jonny Flynn and Carmelo Anthony, so they could all play with Andy Rautins. I guess I’ll just have to be content to see Jonny and Wes Johnson play for the T-Wolves next year (where they may win upwards of 20 games).

Oh well, I’m off today, so I reckon I’d better get the boys out to the park early, before it gets too goddamn hot. It’s been a long three-day week, and I sure am glad it’s over. Next week’s gonna suck, though.

Another hot, miserable day in store for us here again today. This of course has prompted the obligatory “news” stories about how to survive in the heat. You know, don’t leave your dog in the car, stay inside if you’ve got a/c, drink lots of water and avoid coffee and alcohol (why don’t I just shoot myself). It’s been nice and cool inside my house, though I shudder to think of what this will do to my utility bill. I may need to replace the bearings on my electric meter. I think we’ll be taking a pass from the park today. I took the dogs out yesterday, but it was just for a short trip down to the water for a quick swim (for them, not me, unfortunately), and then back home. Neither one of them seemed too disappointed about the short walk. Oh well, I took tomorrow off, so I just need to get today over with.

Hawaii’s Governor – Linda Lingle, formerly best know for her part in covering up the whole Obama was born in Kenya scandal – vetoed a bill that would have permitted same-sex civil unions. First off, if gay marriage was gonna be legal anywhere it ought to be legal in the land of grass skirts and coconut bikinis where everybody gets lei’d when they get off the plane. Second, if you look at Lingle’s photo, it seems clear that she needs to get lei’d more often. Third, “Linda Lingle lei’d” is fun to say. And finally, why in the hell does there need to be a law? It seems pretty clear to me that if one person is allowed to marry another peron, then there shouldn’t need to be a law to keep from discriminating against people based on the gender of one or the other or both of those persons. And the whole Rick Santorum “man on dog” nonsense or the “incest” argument is silly, too. A law that says you can’t marry your Schnauzer is fine, because it applies to all humans equally. And you can’t marry your cousin or brother or sister, regardless of your (or their) gender, so that’s not discrimination either. But I guess it’s just too complex an issue for my tiny little brain to understand.

Speaking of losers with lots of ‘Ls’ in their names (not to mention tiny little brains), Lindsay Lohan got 90 days in jail for being stupid or something (can’t say as I’ve really been paying attention, but the headlines are hard to ignore). Not to worry, though. Looks like she won’t really have to do much of her time. It’s kind of too bad, because I think it might do her some good. But mostly I don’t really care (and I’m not quite sure why anybody else would, either.

Always wanted to go to college, but been afraid you might get “credits?” Well you’re in luck, ‘cuz now you can attend Glenn Beck U. Well, not attend really, since it’s online only, but you’ll have the opportunity to learn from the best without acquiring any credit hours.

“Beck University is a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics. Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of Faith, Hope and Charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future.”

Professors will include pro-family advocate David Barton, business guru David L. Buckner and Lousiana State University political science professor James R. Stoner Jr., who told Inside Higher Ed he was “delighted” to accept Beck’s offer.

God bless you, Glenn Beck. And God bless Glenn Beck U, too.

While I often visit the Huffington Post, for some reason, I think of it as the “Crappington Post.” Why? Maybe because of its incessant “what did Michelle Obama wear” stories. Or maybe because of its “sports” section, which, at the moment, has headlines like “Serena Williams: I Have ‘Big Boobs, Massive Butt'”, “Surprise! Stunning Lingerie Model WILL Run Naked After World Cup Loss”, “Chris Evert Comes Clean About Greg Norman Split”, and “SHOCK: Psychic Octopus Stuns Germany With World Cup Pick”.

That’s right, sportsfans. A psychic octopus. Not as cute as a prescient panda, but still….

OK, time to get out there and sweat out another day.

Back to work today. Shit. And this heat wave continues – in the 90’s at least until Thursday (and probably Friday) – for us, and everybody else on the East Coast. Now, I know it gets hotter in other places, but that’s why I don’t live in other places (that, and I’ve never had enough ambition to move; hell, after half a century, I know where everything is around here). I’ll take a little snow shoveling over this hot, humid, and buggy shit any day. The weather dork tells me we haven’t had three consecutive 90+ degree days since August 2007, and here we’re looking at five. This is what living in DC for a summer was like.

I’ve had to resort to turning on the a/c (oh well; I guess it’s good to give the new furnace filter a workout). Even worse, I’ve got “on call” duty this week at work, the part time person who backs me up is off this week, and I have an afternoon meeting today, which may mean I won’t be able to get the dogs to the park until tomorrow. It’s too damn hot for them anyway (except they get to go swimming), but it’s hard to explain that to ’em. To make things even more annoying, we’re at the peak of deer fly season (I hate those goddamn things the most – deer flies first, with black flies second and mosquitoes barely beating out no-see-ums for third).

Saturday night, our house got egged. I think somebody has their holidays mixed up. They hit the window screen, and it splattered inside and all over my nice new (and unpainted) window frame and shelf. I sanded it off the wood, but am unsure how to get it out of the screen. Since I had enough beer, I didn’t actually leave the house on the fourth, except to cut the grass in the back yard, so I never saw the front of the house. But when i was leaving to go to the park yesterday, a cop was over next door with my neighbors, and they called me over. Turns out, they got egged, too. And so did the guy on the corner and my crazy next door neighbor (probably other people, too). They’d called the cops, and the same guy had been there that day, too. So then i looked, and the front of our garage got hit, and also my front porch. And my car. Bastids. But I guess I’m glad they weren’t singling me out or something (and glad they didn’t smash windows).

The Queen is coming! The Queen is coming! Is there something wrong with me that I don’t care? I mean, it’s not like she’s the Beatles – or even Ricky Gervais – and didn’t three-quarters of us just get through celebrating our independence from these people? If she gets off the plane wearing that iPod Obama gave her, though, that would be cool.

Well, I reckon I’d better face reality and get ready for work, here. Good thing I took Friday off.