It is Monday, right? It’s getting hard to tell, with all these days off. I could get used to this – too bad I have to go back to work tomorrow. Yesterday was hot, today will be even worse, and tomorrow worse than that. I don’t mind the heat so much if I can hang out in shorts and a t-shirt, but having to dress for work sucks. Speaking of which, I guess I better do my laundry.

Not that I’ve ever given it much thought, but I didn’t know that people modified snowmobiles to run on asphalt (I guess we just don’t get enough winter around here to satisfy everybody). Not only that, I didn’t know you could make them go 160 mph. However, if you’re gonna do that, I guess you’d better try not to hit the guardrail.

Oh well, I guess I’d better try and do something before it gets too damn hot. I’ve resisted using the a/c so far this year, but I might have to break down and get it going today.

Today’s the day when some 78 million Americans don their three-cornered hats and take to the streets in celebration of George Washington’s victory over General Carlos Santa Anna at the Alamo that won the US its independence from Mexico back in 1776. That’s right, it’s Cinco de Mayo once again. Oh, sure, there’s another 233 million godless perverts with powdered wig fetishes that seem to think we were once at war with our good friends the British who taught us everything we know about imperialism and manifest destiny, but, of course, out here in “real” America, we all know that’s a load of crap. Well, the hell with them.

Today there’ll be much paradin’ and skies filled with our brave unmanned aerial vehicles painted with American flags on their tails. Then, after dark, comes an homage to our #1 credit holders – the Chinese – with massive barrages of fireworks, followed by the consumption of copious amounts of spaghetti. God, I love this time of year.

I’m not going to bother looking up who’s on the Boobleheads this morning. No doubt, there’ll be much flag-wavin’ and talk about how remarkable all those white men were when they “borrowed” the idea for their confederation from the godless Haudenosaunee, decided that rich guys (but not their wives and daughters) were created equal, and it was politically inexpedient to abolish slavery (but, what the hell, we’ll count a slave as three-fifths of a human being, as long as the other 40% gets to be owned like livestock).

Yes, God bless America and all that.

As for me, well, I’ll be celebrating the fourth by maybe doing some sanding and painting, and then later trying to decide if it’s worth wasting a bunch of charcoal to cook a couple of turkey burgers for myself. Maybe I’ll just toss a pizza in the oven instead. Either way, I’m gonna need more beer.

Whatever you do today, I hope y’all have a good holiday. Via con Dios, amigos y amigas. And feliz cuarto de Julio.

I was reading this story at the Independent about an IEEE report entitled “Where water meets watts” that says every Google search costs .5 ml of water. Now that Granny’s gone, instead of drinking one pot of coffee a day, I’ve been going three days on one pot, so I figured what the hell, I can spare a few milliliters on needless random searches. That somehow led me to “30 Annoying Things Men Assume About Women.” I’m always one to better myself, so I figured maybe I’d learn something to make me a better human in general, and husband in particular.

After yesterday’s “who did the US declare independence from” Marist poll, I thought maybe one of the 30 things would be “men assume that a third of women don’t know that the US declared independence from England.” But since 20% of men are equally “history challenged,” I figure those two groups are living in ignorant bliss together wearing their teabagger hats while tacking up “These Colors Don’t Run,” “Abortion is Murder,” “Drill Baby Drill,” and “Palin/Cheney 2012” posters on their neighborhood telephone poles, gun store windows, and godless socialist bus shelters. The rest of the women are no doubt married to men who know better but are deliberately keeping their wives in the dark in order to keep them ignorant and subservient because, well, that’s what men do.

But there was nary a mention of history or men’s oppression of women. Instead, it seemed to be a rather stupid list, for the most part.

1. That you want an egg white omelet, not a regular yokey delicious one, because you must be on a diet.

Huh? I don’t spend a whole lot of time thinking about omelets, to be honest. And I don’t think my wife does, either.

2. That you can’t parallel park.

Here in NY, we have to parallel park in order to pass our road test. It’s a skill quickly forgotten by both genders (unless you live in a city where you have to do it every day; fortunately, up here in the provinces, that’s not necessary – no parallel parking required at “the mall”).

3. That you’re in a bad mood because you must be getting your period.

The bad moods of women I’ve known have never been limited to “that time of the month.” Truth be told, they usually have something to do with me.

4. That you don’t like manly alcohols like beer and whiskey.

My wife doesn’t like beer. Neither one of us like whiskey. I’ve known women who love beer, though. Vodka, too. In fact, I’ve often counted on it.

5. That you know nothing about sports.

My sister knows more about sports than most men, and I’ve known lots of women that are sports fans. Why I didn’t marry one remains a mystery to me.

6. That you can’t operate a power drill.

My mother would have had trouble with a drill. My sister and my wife are both champs.

7. That you own 10 million pairs of shoes.

I think I own more shoes than my wife does (assuming you count work boots as shoes).

8. That because you’re a single female, you want a relationship and you obviously want it with them.

I’ve been out of the dating circle (aka, bar scene) for many years now, but, sadly, it was always my experience that whether or not single females wanted relationships, they most decidedly did not want one with me.

9. That you’re a fan of Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon, and Julia Roberts’ movies.

Who doesn’t like Reese Witherspoon?

10. That you have an opinion on Edward versus Jacob.

I have no idea whatsoever who Edward or Jacob is.

11. That you have strong feelings about anniversaries and Valentine’s Day.

Not in my house.

12. That you want kids. Hell, that you even like kids.

Hey, I like kids. Not as much as I like Reese Witherspoon, though.

13. That you’re obsessed with having a wedding.

Not my wife. And my sister eloped so that she didn’t have to have one. Some people are into that kind of thing, though.

14. That you’re already in love with them or that you fell in love with them first.

See #8

15. That you think you’re too fat.

I’m too busy thinking I’m too fat to worry about what they’re thinking (except I figure they’re thinking I’m too fat).

16. That you want Diet Coke, light cream cheese, and your dressing on the side.

That ranks right up there with the ‘yolkey” omelet thing.

17. That you’re angry about something because you’re “bitter.”

Again, if my wife’s pissed, it’s usually related to something I did.

18. That you always need time to put on makeup or do your hair before you leave the house.

My mom? Absolutely. In fact, she typically required an entire day to get ready to go to her night time receptionist job. The wife and my sister? Not so much. I don’t think my sister has ever worn makeup, except maybe to cover up a zit or two in high school.

19. That you don’t know anything about putting together Ikea furniture.

When we get stuff that needs to be put together, my wife is in charge of reading the directions. It works much better than me trying to do it alone.

20. That you don’t know how to cook a steak properly.

Beats me. We don’t eat red meat.

21. That you can’t have sex without feelings involved.

All depends on how much beer and/or whiskey (and vodka) was involved.

22. That the magazine you want them to bring home for you to read when you are sick in bed is US Weekly.

Hell no. It’s “Weekly World News.” Especially if it’s a Bat Boy issue.

23. That you hate scary movies.

My wife likes scary movies – as long as they aren’t too gory. She doesn’t like shit blowing up a lot though.

24. That you’re not into watching porn.

Having once been a porn projectionist, I’ve seen all the porn I care to see.

25. That you are magically equipped with the powers of cooking and cleaning and have been since birth.

Oh, I don’t think it’s a “magical” power.

26. That you know how to sew buttons.

My wife knows how to sew buttons. Than again, so do I (my sister taught me. Or maybe it was mother. Can’t recall). I do not however, know how the hell to thread the sewing machine (talk about magical powers), and have no idea what a ‘bobbin’ is for (other than it’s something that the red, red robin does).

27. That you like “Grey’s Anatomy.”

I think we tried to watch that once and didn’t like it. Or maybe that was “House.”

28. That your pubic hair will always be meticulously groomed.

Not really sure what that means. Are we talking braids or something?

29. That you can’t appreciate a flat screen TV, comprehensive stereo system, and other “complex” electronic devices.

My wife didn’t appreciate that until we got it. Now, she’s pretty much a believer.

30. That you won’t want to watch the latest sci-fi, action, or horror movie.

One of the things we shared was a love of Start Trek (especially TNG). In fact, she went to see the latest Star Trek movie without me.

I hope to find a 30 things women assume about men list out there somewhere so I can dispute it. Unfortunately, unlike this list, they’ll probably all be true.

I was on the way home from the park at lunchtime yesterday, listening to ‘Fresh Air,’ and being subjected to a book review by Maureen Corrigan. For some reason, I find her painful to listen to – probably because of the tediously precise enunciation she no doubt prides herself on – and I find her reviews insipid and annoying (which, with a couple of exceptions, is probably the job description of an NPR critic). She’s the sort of English professor who’d have stood in front of the class declaring as fact that the sled rusting on the front lawn is clearly a microcosm representing the human condition, while, really, it was just a fucking sled.

The nice thing about those teachers was that all you needed to do was parrot back whatever they said, and you were good to go. Of course, that’s not really fair, as I don’t know Corrigan. Maybe she’s a terrific teacher (though her official titles at Georgetown – ‘Critic in Residence’ and ‘Lecturer’ – lead me to believe she’s more of a pontificator than a ‘teacher’). Could be I just don’t like her because, as far as I can tell, she’s never been anything but a critic, and written nothing more than reviews of other people’s books and a memoir about her life reviewing other people’s books. Or it might be I just don’t like her because she’s from Georgetown.

Speaking of Georgetown, the rather unthinkable happened here the other night. Former G’town hoops coach (and the man we loved to hate here for 20 years or so) John Thompson was honored as Citizen of the Year by Temple Adath Yeshurun. For those of you who don’t know, this would be a bit like the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals honoring James Charles Kopp. But times change, and Thompson hasn’t been the GT coach in more than a decade, so we hate him slightly less, and apparently a good time was had by all.

Big weekend coming up in these parts. Aside from the obvious holiday stuff (which will no doubt include three days of fireworks to scare the dogs), it’s “Indy-pendence” weekend at Watkins Glen, as the Grand Prix comes to town. I’m not really a racing fan, but I’ll take Indy cars going around the twisty-turny 3½ mile track at the Glen over watching a bunch of stock cars go around and around a circle any day. Plus, Watkins Glen is a beautiful park and a great place to go hiking and camping (when there’s not a race going on there), as opposed to, say, Talladega, which is a big flat ugly scab in Alabama.

Well, I reckon I better get moving. Lots to do today, with a trip to the Pet Store (Granny left me with no cat litter, and I’ve been making the mistake of feeding them), plus I need to cook up some dog chicken. I was gonna get a haircut, but I did it myself the other day (now I look like a fat Moe Howard, which I suppose is better than looking like the Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons, which is where I was heading), so that’s out of the way. And I converted the furnace HEPA filter to a new, better, easier to change version last night, so that’s out of the way, too. I’m expecting a replacement sideview mirror for my van today (though it’s coming FedEx, so who knows where they’ll actually deliver it. The dogs have to go out to the park of course, and there’s still lots of work to do in the living room. Busy, busy, busy.

Oh well. Beats working.

Woot is being acquired by Amazon to become an independent subsidiary and operate autonomously (like other Amazon companies such as Zappos and Audible). To celebrate, today’s Woot is a latest generation Kindle (6″) for $149 plus Woot’s customary (and very, very slow) $5 shipping (they’re $189 if you buy them from Amazon). This is an example of a gadget I’d really like to have, have been close to giving in and buying in the past, am tempted to get for $150, but ultimately just can’t justify buying (especially since it’s really just a delivery vehicle for spending more money). If I had a lengthy (or even not so lengthy) daily commute on the train or traveled a lot for work, I’d have one already. But, as it is, the thing would just kind of sit around collecting dust once the initial “play” period was over. Kind of like getting a new phone. Much as I might lust over the Droid X (that isn’t even out yet), as long as I’m forced to carry the BlackBerry for work, there’s really no justification for getting another phone. Hell, I have another phone (someplace), and I just forward the calls.

I remember a while back, Maron was railing against the idea of the Kindle, because it didn’t give you that experience of having books on the shelf (that you’ll never read), or the tactile feeling of holding a book in your hands, or being able to scribble in the margins and underline passages. Which is, of course, a fair statement. But I could say the same thing about having an mp3 player. It’s nowhere near as good as having your album collection on the shelf and pulling out the jacket and holding it in your hands. Or maybe opening up that White Album or Moonfolower or whatever double-album cover, and having a couple of long-forgotten seeds roll out. And there’s nothing better than sitting in that sweet spot between your speakers and listening to your favorite albums (another lament of the digital music era – “tracks” taking the place of “albums.” It’s just a reflection of a decreasing attention span. Kids these days…).

But there are certainly lots of advantages to having your entire music collection in your pocket at all times, too. Like the Kindle, it may not be an equivalent experience to “the old fashioned way,” but, damn, it sure is nice to have the shit handy.

Well, I took tomorrow off, so today’s my Friday. Right now, I wish I’d taken today off, too.

The bad news just keeps rolling in. Yesterday, we heard the tragic news that Larry King – the “Monkey’s Paw” of cable news – is retiring. Speculation is now on who will fill Larry’s suspenders in the 9PM time slot for CNN. Personally, I think they just ought to show reruns of Crossfire with Bob Novak. Not full shows – just “best of” clips of Bob. That way they can continue the Zombie host theme. But if they must find a live person, I hope they don’t go with any of the Huffington Post’s suggestions, which include Ryan Seacrest (I must confess, thought I’ve heard the name, I have no idea what it is he’s ‘famous’ for. I assume it’s got something to do with American Idol, but, having never watched it, I’m not really sure), Jeff Probst (again, no clue who that is), Katie Couric, and Kathy Griffin. I’d like to siggest Matt Taibbi (who explains why Lara Logan – whose baby daddy is war profiteer State Department contractor Joe Burkett – sucks – and not in a good way). Oh, I know, CNN would never go with an actual reporter-type person over a ‘celebrity’, and they’d need somebody with a quick finger on the dump button, ‘cuz Matt tends to say “fuck” a lot, but I think it’d awfully nice to have somebody doing interviews that would ask more probing questions than “how old were you when you first found out how great you are, and has your greatness been a burden on you?”

Speaking of sucking, the White House did some heavy-duty sucking up to MA Senator Scott Brown in order to get his support on Financial Reform. And what did all that sucking get them? A face full of, um, egg. Brown now says he’s a ‘no’ vote on reform. Turns out that, after having the government bail out all these companies that pay their upper echelon management people (who drove their companies into the toilet) hundred of millions of dollars in bonuses, Republicans want the government to also bear the financial burden of reform. Shocking, I know. I thought for sure Republicans would be on the side of the small people.

Well, to get going, I guess. Maybe I’ll use my new $10 Dunkin’ Donuts credit card thay I just got in honor of 20 years of service. Fifty cents a year. Not bad.

Did you know that Thurgood Marshall was an evil, commie, activist judge? Me neither. I always thought he was one of those legal icon kinda guys, that even people who don’t pay attention to much of anything have heard of (plus, he was really good in ‘The Defenders’). Here’s an interesting thought. You know who succeeded Marshall as a Supreme Court Justice? Clarence Thomas, that’s who.

Speaking of SCOTUS, it was a busy final day of the 2010 term.

First, they struck down the ban on handguns in Chicago. I’m still not quite clear how the 2nd Amendment’s protection of a well-regulated militia means every teabagging moron gets to have as many guns as they want, but, as a strict Constitutionalist (we’ll forget that the 2nd Amendment wasn’t actually in the US Constitution as originally ratified, hence the term, ‘amendment’), I think that this should only apply to single-shot muzzle loaders. So break out those flintlocks, patriots! You’ll probably need a little practice to be able to reload and get off a shot in 20 seconds the way our forefathers did. And don’t pack too much powder in there, or you might just have the damn thing blow up in your face.

The Supreme Court also left the door open for software patents. Once again, I must reiterate my objection to a bunch of old men and women who don’t seem to understand the nuances of pagers v. e-mail getting to decide anything related to technology.

There was also a setback for the Kristian Legal Society, which was seeking official recognition from the University of California’s law school in San Francisco. The ‘Society’ requires that voting members and officers affirm a “statement of faith,” including the belief “Christians should not engage in sexual conduct outside of marriage between a man and a woman.” Apparently this violates the school’s nondiscrimination policy for groups. Damn San Francsico Libruls. By a 5-4 vote, SCOTUS agreed with the school. Damn activist judges.

So, Stanley McChrystal is retiring. Not a surprise, really. How ya gonna keep him down on the farm, now that he’s seen Kabul?

It’s a man’s world around the house this week. With the wife gone, the dogs and I now have dominion over everything – including the cats, who are trying to get used to the idea that I really don’t care whether they like the food I give them. On the bright side, they’re free to drink from the toilet, as the prohibition on leaving the lid (never mind the seat) up has been lifted (so to speak). And it’s finally cooled off a bit. If only I didn’t have to go to work.

But, I do, so….

Sad, though not exactly unexpected, news this morning as Senator Robert Byrd – who, for my entire life, has always been the Senator from West Virginia – has passed away. People will remember him for lots of things – being the longest-serving Senator, being a former Klansman, being a passionate, outspoken, and prescient opponent of the Iraq invasion, and no doubt for a whole lot of other things in his home state of WVa. Me, I’ll always remember his personal response to my mom, asking if they were related (family legend has it that my mother was in some way or another related to the explorer Admiral Byrd, and she wondered if they had that in common). As I recall, Senator Byrd’s response was, “could be.” It was very kind of him to reply (I only wish his letter was still around). RIP, Senator. And say hello to my mom if you run into her.

Better news for iPhone users, however, as it appears there really isn’t any problem with reception on the iPhone 4 (to quote Steve Jobs: “There is no reception issue. Stay tuned“). The unofficial official word now is that it’s a software issue with iOS 4, and a fix may be released as early as today.

The fix is expected to address a issue in iOS 4 related to radio frequency calibration of the baseband. Readers who saw the original forum discussions say that the issue is believed to occur when switching frequencies; because the lag is allegedly not calibrated correctly, it results in the device reporting “no service” rather than switching to the frequency with the best signal to noise ratio.

As an IT person, my first inclination is – like Steve Jobs, apparently – to blame the user. But maybe iPhone users aren’t “holding it wrong” after all. And, really, if you designed a phone that was so touchy it didn’t work when you held it in your hand, that would be a pretty poor design (Daniel Eran Dilger’s snotty tweet notwithstanding) . Nobody’s saying it ought to work if you’re sitting on it or using it inside a refrigerator or something, but, damn, you ought to be able to hold a phone in your hand pretty much any way you want.

Of course, the three stages of dealing with a flawed product/software release are somewhat similar to the five stages of grief. Denial (problem? what problem?), Anger (at the user; you’re not using it right, you idiot!), and Acceptance (oh, shit, I guess there is something wrong), followed by the release of a patch.

Hopefully iOS 4.0.1 will do the trick for anybody having a problem. It’s great that they appear to be about to release a fix so soon, though it kind of makes you wonder if they didn’t know there was a problem, and were kind of hoping they could get a patch out before anybody noticed (it’s a lot easier when the fan boys think you can do no wrong, but, in this case, it was the fan boys themselves that were complaining – though very gently, so as not to incur the wrath of Jobs).

Oh well, back to work again today. And, after a fairly sleepless night thanks to the combination of thunderstorms and scared doggies, it’s gonna be a long one.

Well, it’s official. We can all go back to not pretending we give a crap about soccer after yesterday’s devastating OT loss to Ghana. Hell, being the lone African team left in the World Cup, they needed it more than we did anyway. Now we just have to get through the “Dead Zone” known as baseball season, and before you know it, it’ll be time for football (yeah, that’s right, world, real football).

As for the talking head shows this week, on Press the Meat, it’s St. John McCain and a roundtable with Rep. Barbara Lee of the House Foreign Affairs Committee, author Sebastian Junger, veteran Wes Moore, Tom Ricks, and Gen. Barry McCaffrey.

Faze the Nation has Pat Leahy, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, Carl Levin, Jan Crawford, and David Martin.

On Fux News Sunday, Weaselface Wallace has DINO Dianne Feinstein, Li’l Lindsey Graham (R-SC, and Mike Huckabee. Plus the “Fux News All-Stars” Bill Kristol, Mara Liasson, Liz Cheney, Juan Williams.

At the Goebbels network, it’s CIA Director Leon Panetta and a roundtable with George :jerk: Will, David Sanger, Robin Wright, and Rajiv Chandrasekaran.

Over at CNN, Fareed Zakaria has flathead Tom Friedman plus Eliot Spitzer, Arianna Huffington, Ross Douthat, and Katrina vanden Heuvel. Then a look at Great Britain’s “Tax and Axe” budget.

Oh well, lots to do today. Have a good one.

Sad, sad news. Dick Cheney’s in the hospital. Thank Lucifer (and modern medicine – when funded with an un-ending supply of money), it doesn’t sound serious though, so I’m sure he’ll be up and oozing around in no time. Just another reason to ban science from textbooks, I guess. Speaking of science, some guy named Larry Dossey (who is a ‘doctor’ so you know he’s very wise and important) has a story in the HuffPost basically saying that, because the conditions for life and the universe to exist as we know it are on very tight parameters, there just must be something out there that set things up for us. Which, of course, is kind of stupid. Because conditions were the way they were, the universe evolved the way it did. Had conditions been different, things, no doubt, would have evolved differently. And then a bunch of egotistical silicon-based funky-looking lifeforms would be insisting that the universe was created by some all-knowing, all-seeing invisible being who created them in his image.

Speaking of egotistical (not to mention silicon-based) entities, Apple’s response to many of their loyal fans’ complaints of totally losing their cell signal when they hold their new iPhone was to tell them they weren’t holding the phone right. Steve Jobs, in particular, seemed to more or less be calling his users idiots (but Steve tends to be pretty terse and testy these days; I think he got infused with some of Dick Cheney’s blood to keep him alive when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer – he’s been kind of on the dark side ever since).

So I was hanging out yesterday, and decided to play with my work-provided BlackBerry (which, sadly, is ATT like the iPhone). I tried holding it every which way – left hand, right hand, both hands, covering it completely, you name it – and I couldn’t get the signal to drop even one bar (let alone drop completely out). Then I tried my LG whatever it is that I never use anymore. Same thing (and that was in my basement). Then I played around with my wife’s Droid. Also, no signal loss. So, I dunno. One might conclude that – assuming there really is a problem with these phones (and for all I know there isn’t; it seems more than possible that a large percentage of iUsers are abnormally dense or something), the antenna design was less the optimal.

Speaking of less-than-optimal design, having only two days off a week really sucks. If I’m gonna get anything done, I guess I better get started.