Another Dayton 500 is in the books, which is apparently a big deal, what with NASCAR being the #1 spectator sport in the US (especially south of the Mason-Dixon line, though there are plenty of “fans” even up here). Go figure. It doesn’t do much for me, but to each his or her own. A typical racing weekend consumes 6,000 gallons of gas, so, at 20 pounds of CO₂ per gallon, that means there’s another 60 tons of it in the air today. That doesn’t count all the cars and RVs the spectators and participants rode to the race in, of course (never mind the beer farts).

Watching cars go around in a circle never really seemed all that exciting to me. I used to like those figure 8 races (do they still do that?), though. I mean, everybody just wants to see some crashes, and a track in the shape of an 8 pretty much ensures that.

Motorcycle ice racing isn’t bad either, though I don’t think they should be allowed to spike the tires – where’s the challenge in that? Then there’s the demolition derby, which is kinda fun to watch. For a while, anyway. It’d be better if the cars blew up on occasion. Maybe they could wire them with dynamite, and when a car can’t go any longer, the Race Emperor gives the thumbs down, and KABLAM!

Unless it was a valiant effort, of course, in which case, he gets the thumbs up and lives to race another day.

Racing and other sports-related activities that I shall not mention aside, it was a fairly productive weekend. First off, I was looking for the portable speakers that I use with my MP3 player, but hadn’t seen in a while. I was actually pretty sure where they were – in one of two drawers next to my bed. In order to open the drawers to look, though, I have to move the dresser that partially blocks them. And in order to move the dresser, I have to move the dog bed (which is hard, ‘cuz the dogs always follow me into the bedroom, and then jump in their beds and besides, there are “things” – unspeakable things – under the dog beds).

Suffice it to say, it’s been a while since I looked in those drawers, and even though I knew the speakers were in there, I had previously lacked the considerable ambition required to get them out. On Saturday, however, I was feeling quite spry, and decided to go for it.

Not only did I find the speakers (right where I knew they’d be; don’t tell me I’m not organized), but, in the void that exists between the dresser and the headboard, I scored a pair of underwear, three and a half pairs of socks (OK, more like two, and three half-pairs of socks), several quarters (I didn’t bother with the pennies), two pairs of shorts I’ve been looking for, a t-shirt I’d forgotten about, and a sweatshirt that I haven’t seen in a couple of years. Pretty sweet.

I also managed to finish the inside of two of the windows we put in a couple years ago. Well, more like five (could be six) years ago. We’re being very “shelfish” with them. Since there are never enough flat surfaces to put shit on (apparently the floor and kitchen table – though undeniably flat – don’t count, for some reason, but the top of the toilet tank does – so many rules to learn), I put six inch shelves on the sills, and 9 inch ones up on top. The cats are thrilled (though they’re trying not to show it). Just another five (could be six) to go.

The process wasn’t without tragedy, though. Mostly, I seem to have collected an inordinate number of splinters (even more than usual), with nary a finger unscathed. One, in particular required rather extensive surgery this morning with a box cutter (don’t worry, I wiped it off on my shirt, first). Can I sue Home Depot for that? I mean, it’s not like they had a “not responsible for splinters” sign in the lumber area.

BTW, are those signs legally binding? For instance, you always see those “not responsible for damage due to carts” in store parking lots. Are they informing me of what the law is, or are they absolved of any legal responsibility just by virtue of putting them up? I may put one on my car: “not responsible for running your ass over, so get the hell out of my way.”

I heard a commercial on the radio the other day for some new “jingle” business. This explains why every freakin’ local company now has a teevee commercial with a crappy, sappy jingle. I hope these people are working cheap.

Note to Southwest Airlines: if you must fuck with fat people, try not to fuck with famous fat people (especially ones that make movies; Kevin Smith and Michael Moore should automatically be on your “do not screw with” list). Especially after they’re already buckled into their seats, ready to go. What, it isn’t bad enough you have to run us through a virtual strip search machine now (and we know you’ll be posting pictures on the Internet)? Now you gotta haul us off the plane in front of everybody, like terrorists?

You know, fat people have taken an awful lot of shit over the years. Comedians make fun of us, skinny little shits look at us with smug disgust and disdain, we can’t even go to the salad bar for a frickin’ salad without being ridiculed, and now you make airplane seats tiny so you can cram more people on every flight, and then make it seem like we’re the assholes.

You know what? We’re in the majority here (in number, volume, and sheer mass) assholes, so y’all better quit messing with us, or we’ll rise up (of course, if we rose up a little more often, maybe we wouldn’t be so fat). I know you think you can outrun us, but you just better hope we don’t catch you while you’re in the toilet with your fingers down your throat. Then we’re gonna go all Sumo on your ass.

No banks, no mail, no school, no gubberment business today. And yet, I have to go to friggin work. That just doesn’t seem right.

Today, Joe Biden visits Press the Meat to talk about what a Dick that Cheney guy is. Then it’s a roundtable with douchebag Dave Brooks, Rachel Maddow, the too rich to pay taxes “Democrat” Harold Ford Jr., and some Republican schmuck (who’s got “closet case” written all over him) named Aaron Schock from Illinois.

Joe Biden also pops up on Faze the Nation.

On Fux News Sunday, Weaselface Wallace has Jim Jones, White House national security adviser, and l’il Lindsey Graham.

The Goebbels network calls in the Big Dick (isn’t he time for him to just shut up already?), plus a roundtable with George :jerk: Will, Peter Beinart, Paul Gigot and Jane Mayer (John’s sister?).

At CNN, Fareed Zakaria has Paul Volcker, a discussion about Iran and nukes, and a chat with South African President Jacob Zuma.

Far be it for me to agree with Dan Quayle (fun fact: Dan Quayle was the 44th Vice President, which tells me that we’ve gone through a lot VP’s in this country – FDR had three), but he was right: the founders didn’t have a 51-vote majority in mind when they set up the gubberment – at least in the Senate. For one thing, when the Senate first convened in Federal Hall in NYC (another fun fact: their meeting space was on the top floor, which is how they came to be known as the “Upper Chamber”), there were only, like, 22 Senators, since only 11 states had ratified the new constitution at that point. And even with all 13, there were on 26. So 51 votes would have been impossible. As for the House, there were only about 60’ish Representatives back then, so 51 votes would have been about 85%. That sounds about right, if the Republicans are in the minority. Of course, there were no Republicans back then, so clearly the founders never had Republicans in mind, and therefore Dan Quayle should shut the f*ck up.

Speaking of things the founders never intended (the part where only Congress can declare war that, ironically, I remember learning about in school at around the same time my brother was in Vietnam), we seem to have launched a major offensive in Afghanistan. Oh, wait, that wasn’t us, it was NATO (or, as Dan Quayle would say, ‘NATOE’). That makes it OK, then.

Harold Ford continues to ponder a run for Senator from New York. He loves New York. He loves it a lot, and whenever he flies over it in a helicopter, he loves it even more. Just not enough to pay taxes here. He pays taxes in Tennessee, though (fun fact: TN doesn’t tax wages). Not having to pay tax on your wages sounds like a pretty good perk. Normally, that would have a downside in that you’d have to live in Tennessee, but Harold seems to have found a way around that.

Thing is, we could kinda use the money, Harold. I know you haven’t really been around here long, but we have this whole deficit thing going on that has our Governor cutting money for schools and hospitals and other frills like that. I know that it’s hard to make ends meet on your Merrill Lynch/NBC/Fox News/NYU salaries (especially since you took a 45-day unpaid leave from Merrill), and helicopter rides probably aren’t cheap, but still.

Hmm. Seems to be some trouble in Tea-land. Tea Party Grand Poobah Dale Robertson is a little ticked off by the hijacking of his “movement” by the GOP.

[W]hat I am witnessing is an attempted defilement of the concept of what the Tea Party’s purposes are and where we are going. The bastardization of our message I find bilious and disingenuous on its face.

Tea Party members are being eyed as just another piece of voting meat. Tea Party members are targeted for filling the rank and file of minion laden political operations, most of which are lead (sic) by failed Republican hacks.

Old Dale doesn’t seem very enchanted with Caribou Barbie, either. He says she has a “neo-con flippant viewpoint” and he refers to her as “a duck out of water among true constitutional conservatives.”

Um, Dale, I appreciate your sentiment and all, but, you know, ducks actually do get out the water rather frequently. They, like, fly and walk around and stuff.

Dale continues:

She represents a growing insider’s attack to the heart of the Tea Party. Very much like a wolf in sheep’s clothing entering in at the gate as an ally, but for all intents and purposes there to seize and capture, not only one or two stray sheep, but the whole flock!

Wow, a duck and a cross-dressing wolf. That’s harsh, dude. And to think, Obama only called her a lipstick-wearing pig.

Speaking of pigs, it’s heartwarming to witness the transition of the GOP from a bunch of mouth-breathing, arrogant, ignorant, faux-Christian douchebags, to a kinder, gentler group, sensitive to the feelings of diverse religions.

Missouri state Sen. Gary Nodler, who is seeking the Republican nomination for the open seat of GOP Rep. Roy Blunt, has offered up an argument for keeping the ban on gays in the military: That allowing gays to serve openly would…[offend] the people of the Muslim countries where we are fighting.

Allahu Akbar, Gary.

Today we celebrate the birthday of Abe Lincoln. Well, I do, anyway. Turns out today is a holiday for me for some reason or other (Monday, however, is not – go figure) . Normally, I’d just work today and get a day to use later, but, well, screw that; I’m taking today off. I was always pretty interested in the Civil War, for some reason, and I can kind of relate to Lincoln – an ugly guy with a beard, married to a short woman that was kinda nuts (doesn’t seem right that that they picked the date of his death as tax day). Of course, Lincoln was also tall, skinny, and smart, while I’m, well, not. Then again, I’m hoping to not get assassinated anytime soon. There are always tradeoffs. Naturally, the dogs figured out I was off today, and got me out of bed to go out at about 4:30. This wasn’t good enough, so they got me up for keeps by about 5:20 (I think the noise of the snowplow going by repeatedly was freakin’ ’em out; they’re just not used to it, with this relatively snowless winter we’ve been having).

Speaking of lack of snow, we’ve been knocked out of first place in the Golden Snow Globe competition, and are now four inches behind Baltimore, of all places. Baltimore? Really? It’s the middle of February, and Baltimore has more snow than we do? Oh, the shame. And to think, I was gonna buy my wife a new shovel for Valentine’s Day.

In what passes for a “victory” these days, Republicans “allowed” the confirmation of 27 Obama nominees yesterday. Woo-hoo. Of course, that’s less than half of his outstanding nominees, but when you’re 25% of the way into your failed one-term presidency, I guess you gotta take what you can get. Why he doesn’t send Michelle down to the Capitol Building to punch Mitch McConnell in his chinless fucking face is beyond me.

Speaking of old white men that need their asses kicked, feckless fuck Harry Reid is soundly poo-pooing the idea of getting rid of the Senate filibuster. No matter how large a majority Democrats have, Harry always keeps his “minority mentality.”

Now that I’ve replaced my appliances, NY is offering rebates for replacing your appliances – if you do it between today and Feb 21st. Wow, they’re giving us a whole friggin’ week. Did you know that “[i]t is recommended you change your appliances every 4 – 6 years given the rapid changes in appliance technology”?

What world do these freakin’ people live in? Hey, I’d love to spend a few thousand dollars on new appliances every 5 years. I mean, I could potentially save tens of dollars a year on my utility bill. I’ll be needing a little bit bigger rebate, though – and more than a week to save up for it.

I wonder if they’d consider giving a rebate for a new energy efficient dual-band wireless router?

The Olympics, apparently, are scheduled to open tonight. This has driven the “cast” of the Today Show (aka, the “rainbow coalition” of the ratfaced white guy, Matt Lauer, the Portugese shriveled husk of Meredith Vieira, the comic relief of non-threatening black guy Al Roker, and the exotic – and least annoying of the bunch – Japanese, Cherokee, French, German, Irish, Scottish mutt, Anne Curry) to unprecedented levels of insipidness. I guess I gotta go put my CANADA sweatshirt on.

This will be the first time ever that the Winter opening ceremonies will be held indoors. Not because Canadians are pussies afraid of the cold, but because they’re pussies afraid of rain, which apparently happens rather frequently in Vancouver on Lincoln’s Birthday. I know this, because Bob Costas told me so (and, since he went to SU, I trust him).

I didn’t really care much about the whole Leno/Conan thing, but now they’ve gone and pissed me off by announcing that Season 5 of Friday Night Lights will be the last. Here I’ve just finished watching the Season 4 finale (on DirecTV; if you’re relying on NBC, you won’t see the premiere until April), and they’re gonna go and kill it after next year. I mean, here’s a critically acclaimed show that combines cute 20-something girls like Minka Kelly, Adrianne Palicki, and Aimee Teegarden playing high school chicks (though, in a depressing sign that I must be getting old, it’s the “mom” character that I have the hots for) with football that even my wife doesn’t hate, and they kill it.

It’s been said before, of course, but NBC sucks.

Speaking of how NBC sucks, the Today Show is up next, which is a good reason to get up and go to work every day. Since that’s not an option today, I wonder if the dogs will let me go back to sleep instead?

I’m not one to criticize other people’s religious wardrobe choices. I mean, if nuns want to dress up like penguins (or wear a sea gull hat like Sister Bertrille), it’s OK by me. And if the pope wants to wear a turkey’s ass hat (or a red yarmulke on “casual” days), it’s no skin off my nose (I think the outfits are a little flamboyant, personally, but what do you expect from a bunch of single guys living together). Hey, whatever floats your boat. But there are some drawbacks to dating a chick wearing a beekeeper suit. Namely, that her family might just pull the old bait and switch, and show you pictures of her good-looking sister.

An Arab ambassador in Dubai has had his marriage annulled after discovering that his bride, behind her veil, was bearded and cross-eyed.

The couple had only met a few times during their courtship. Each of these times the woman had worn a niqab, an Islamic veil that covers most of the face.

After the marriage contract was signed in Dubai, the ambassador tried to kiss his new wife. However, as he removed the veil, he was shocked at what he saw.

“He was absolutely horrified,” a guest said. “The bride had a nice personality, but there was a good reason why she was hiding her looks behind a veil.”

Yeah, well, that’ll happen. They really should have given the guy a chance to get used to her first. Cross-eyes are one thing (might make you a bit paranoid, wondering what the hell she’s looking at all the time; “what, is somebody sneaking up behind me?”). But the time to find out your wife’s got a beard isn’t when you go to give her that first smooch. Some things you just gotta ease your way in to.

And, hey, dude, there might be one or two other things under that veil you wanna get a look at before you get hitched, too. You think a beard is a shocker…?

Just sayin’.

Speaking of stating the obvious (like, at least take a quick look under the hood before you buy a car), it also should go without saying that if you’re a fugitive from the law, maybe you shouldn’t be quite so diligent in updating your Facebook page.

U.S. marshals captured a Lockport man Wednesday in Terre Haute, Ind., after Lockport Police learned his whereabouts via his Facebook and MySpace pages.
[…]
Christopher Crego…was wanted for second- and third-degree assault charges…and fled the state just before his sentencing date last fall, police said.

Less than a year later, Lockport police charged Crego again with driving while intoxicated and unlawful possession of marijuana….

Podgers said through Crego’s Facebook and MySpace pages, police were able to find him.

“He had all of his information right online,” Podgers said. “He even wrote one time that police were never going to catch him.”
[…]
Lockport police posted a thank-you note on Crego’s Facebook page that read, “It was due to your diligence in keeping us informed that now you are under arrest.”

I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’, here it is, like 8-9 years since 9/11, and no new pictures. Well, it’s your lucky day, ‘cuz ABC News filed a FOIA request to get aerial photos taken from police helicopters released. Now, why these photos would be a freakin’ secret is beyond me. What, they didn’t think we could take it?

No doubt these photos will conclusively and scientifically prove that 9/11 was an inside job because steel doesn’t melt in a fire (all those old movies with blacksmiths aside; those were faked by the Illuminati, who are all powerful and can wire skyscrapers for demolition without anybody noticing, and control the shadow world government – but can’t quite seem to control that pesky Alex Jones).

Now we can get to work on cracking the whole chem-trail thing.

I got an e-mail from Patrick over at thesnotgreensea.com the other day. He’s getting out of the Morning Sedition show archive business, and was looking to hand things off to some other sucker fan of the show. Well, what else could I do but say, sure, I’d give ’em a home? The files are all uploaded now, and now I’ll need to put up some sort of a front end to access them. Nothing fancy to start with. Ideally, I’d love to catalog them in a database by date, hosts, guests, etc., but that’s a long project that would involve a lot of show listening. I’m not sure it would really be worth the effort (you gotta wonder how much anybody really cares anymore). But, being Irish and German, I’m pretty goddamn stubborn, and I refuse to let Danny Goldberg win. Besides, isn’t the Sedition Party gonna take over the world eventually?

UCONN comes to town tonight. The last time they played SU, it was a six-overtime game in Madison Square Garden. If they’re planning on doing that again tonight, they’ll have to do it without me, ‘cuz I need to get some sleep.

Good thing they’re not playing down in NYC tonight. Looks like they’re in for a bit of snow down that way, along with DC and a lot of other places. Here, not so much. We’re supposed to get a few inches, but nothing major. I had to laugh at last weekend’s snowstorm, with headlines proclaiming that Washington, DC was “paralyzed.” What else is new? They’ve been paralyzed for months now.

I’m feeling pretty paralyzed this morning myself. I hope I can manage to get up and out of the house.

In a show of brave solidarity, brave “Democratic” Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson has announced that he will, um, filibuster his President’s nominee for the NLRB, Craig Becker. Craig’s crime? Being former counsel for both SEUI and the AFL-CIO. And we just can’t have that. As we all know, since St. Ronald assumed the Presidential Papacy back in the late 20th Century, the duty of the NLRB has been to crush organized labor under its boot heel, and then piss on its quivering bloody shell as it dies. Ronnie is long gone, but we can count on men like Ben (and the ferret that lives on his head) to keep labor in its place.

Another big storm is headed east, and once again it looks like it’ll stay well to the south of us. Normally I’d lament the lack of snow, but since I’ve kind of gotten out if the habit of shoveling, I guess I won’t complain.

The world’s tallest structure – the Burj Khalifa building in Dubai – closed suddenly, due to electrical problems. Looks like they’ve got some more construction work to do before they can start packing tourists into the elevator to the observation deck (at $27 a pop). That construction stuff just never seems to end, does it?

Speaking of endless construction projects, just in case you were wondering, when last we checked in, my kitchen was looking kinda like this:

Now, it’s looking like this:

Next up, ceiling, floor, bathroom(s)….

Is half a Who better than none? I’m thinking no, but then maybe it’s just ‘cuz it seemed really odd to see Pete and what’s his face reduced to doing a “medley” (not to mention there’s something kinda pathetic about a couple of pensioners singing about “teenage” anything). What’s next? Vegas? Or maybe Roger Daltrey will cut an album of duets with Sarah McLachlan. Otherwise, though, it was a very entertaining football game, though I’d have appreciated it if they’d started (and ended) a little bit earlier. I skipped through all the commercials ’til I caught up to real time toward the end. I saw one commercial that I thought was pretty funny, though. It was something to do with a guy joining a woman’s book club, and one woman asks the guy, “so, do you like Little Women?” And he says, “yeah, I’m not fussy.”

What is it with New York’s Governors? The latest speculation is that Gov David Paterson will resign as soon as a NY Times story on some sort of sex scandal runs. Rumors I’ve heard are that Paterson and his wife are “swingers,” which, believe it or not, is a class B misdemeanor in NYS (not the swinging, per se, but the adultery part), punishable by a $500 fine or 90 days in jail. I think we’ve finally found a way to wipe out our deficit. If Paterson goes, I want Spitzer back. And please, sweet Jeebus, let there be no sex tape.

House Democrats have cranked out a pretty interesting chart detailing the job losses during this and the previous administration.

Republicans immediately responded with a chart of their own.

The liberal media dutifully reported that there was a dispute between Republicans and Democrats over which administration oversaw more job losses.

Oh well, seeing as I’m not one of those who lost their job (yet), I reckon I’d better go to work. If both weekend days combined would only last half as long as one work day, I’d be happy. At least I didn’t have to shovel anything.

Today on Press the Meat, it’s Deputy National Security Adviser John Brennan, on to answer Republicans questions about why Obama never uses the words “war” and “terror.” Then, from the 2010 Nude Economists Calendar, it’s Mr. September Hank Paulson, and Mr. December, big Al Greenspan. Plus there’s a roundtable with Former Chairman of the National Closeted Republicans Committee, Ed Gillespie and Former Clinton White House Press Secretary Dee Dee Myers.

Faze the Nation is live from Sun Life Stadium (really? That’s what they call it? I hope none of our bailout bucks went in to buying the naming rights) in Miami, where word has it there’s a football game going on later today. Bob Schieffer has NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the not recently elected to the Hall of Fame, Shannon Sharpe, Phil “hey, at least I’m not as annoying as Chris Collinsworth” Simms and one of only a handful of sports broadcasters who didn’t go to SU, Jim Nantz (not to be confused with Jim Nance, who did go to SU).

At Fux News Sunday, Weaselface Wallace has the Queen of the Tea Party, Sarah Palin.

On the Goebbels network, he’s barely been sworn into the Senate, but Baba Wawa wants to know if Scott Bwown is wunning for Pwesident. Aren’t we being a little desperate and needy there, my wepublican fwiends? Plus Jake “the mens room” Tapper interviews Tim Geithner, on to tell us how great things are going, now that labor prices have dropped so low, since people are desperate for work. Then it’s a roundtable with George :jerk: Will, Bloomberg’s Al Hunt, Piggy Peggy Noonan, Ruth Marcus of the Washington Post, and John Podesta.

At CNN, Fareed Zakaria has King Abdullah II of Jordan, plus he’ll sit down and listen to John Yoo torture the truth.

Of course, today’s big story is Super Bowl XLIV, numbered in honor of Floyd Little this year. It’s a little known fact that, without the Super Bowl (and the copyright notice at the end of movies), Roman numerals would have become extinct many years ago.

Today, it’s a team that’s never been to the Super Bowl, versus a team that ran out of Baltimore in the middle of the night like cowards, abandoning its fans, city, and state.

So, I’ll be pulling for the Saints today. I just hope it’s over before bedtime.

If you’re east of, oh, say, Ohio, and south of the NY/PA border down to Virgina or so, you’re probably waking up to a fun-filled day of shoveling snow. Here in the “Miami of the Northeast,” however, there’s nary a flake in sight. We’ve been pretty much screwed out of winter here this year. I was gonna say, “gypped out,” but then I realized that that’s an insensitive ethnic slur against Gypsies, so I can’t say that. After all, Sarah Palin might have a Gypsy relative, and then she’ll get all pissed off at me (if not Rush), and I wouldn’t want that. Plus it might offend Ariana Huffington.

Personally, I get a little tired of the perpetually offended (especially people who make a big show of pretending to be offended for some bullshit reason or another, but in reality couldn’t care less). Not that Rahm Emanuel isn’t an asshole, don’t get me wrong. I just think that if you’re not offended by invading other countries and killing its civilians or by the tens of thousands of people dying every year because they don’t have health insurance, then you don’t get to be “offended” by words. But whatever.

So, CBS is plugging tomorrow’s halftime show with “The Who” as a big deal. My question is, do two people make a Who? I mean, maybe you can go on w/o Keith Moon and call yourself The Who, but once you’re down to two old geezers, shouldn’t you call yourselves something else? Like “The Huh?” or something. I mean, you don’t see Paul and Ringo calling themselves The Beatles, and without Jerry, The Dead are no longer Grateful. Unless you’re gonna be one of these traveling oldies bands that has one old guy who played bass during a summer tour in ’72 trying to cash in on the old name, then you ought to come up with at least a slightly different name.

But I guess when you’re the official band of the CSI teevee franchise, you gotta go with the flow.

Oh well, there’s a lot I ought to be doing today, though I don’t know if I’ll actually do any of it. So I guess I’d better get started.