Supposedly, there’s been a BlackBerry outage for the past couple of days. Didn’t notice a problem with mine, but it would be great if the place I work at would switch to something else. As long as it’s not limited to iPhone. That’s fine if you want it, but I’d prefer an Android device. Then again, as long as it’s free (to me), I guess I don’t really care either way. Unless somebody can invent an app to fast forward me to Friday, and then put the world on pause at some point on Saturday afternoon. Preferably before the weather turns to crap. Oh well, time to get ready for work. I have diesel fuel to pay for.

While I was busy not paying attention, the Goopers had another debate last night. Afterwards, Rick Perry apparently explained that our forefathers (or maybe he thinks there were actually four fathers) fought the revolution in the 1500s to get away from an “onerous crown.” Which I guess could be anyone from Henry VII up through Elizabeth I. Though probably not Queen Jane, ‘cuz it would have had to be a really short war. Newt Gingrinch also said we should throw Barney Frank in prison. Personally, I think that’s just ‘cuz Newt would love to be Barney’s cell mate, if you catch my drift (though I highly doubt Barney would go for the Polygrip/Brycreem type). Well, crap, it’s an early day, and I gotta get going.

Based on the most recent set of top 5 search terms that landed people here, I have to think there must be some mighty disappointed perverts out there. If you’ve been looking for any of the following: “spanked ass, they don’t cut the grass anymore boobs, mono boob, russian boobs, multiple boobs”, welcome, and I apologize. Also, WTF are “don’t cut the grass anymore boobs”, and what’s this recurring obsession with “mono boob”? Seriously, you’re making the “spanked ass” people look normal.

The dog got me up earlier than usual this morning, so I watched an infomercial for the Rockwell Blade Runner. Now I want one. You might expect to pay $500 (or more) for this (I know I would), but it’s available for four easy payments of $39.99 (and they’ll even throw in the optional wall mount for free!). One more thing for the wish list.

SPeaking of wish lists, good news for all you people hoping for a good candidate to run for Congress, as Not Joe the Not Plumber has tossed his hat into the ring (I’d post a link, but who really cares?).

Back to work today, because I’m not rich. And for this, I blame Herman Cain (his name is Herman, right? I never heard of him before all this – I think he used to be a pizza delivery guy or something).

I have a bumper sticker suggestion for his campaign, though.

“Cain is Able!”

Heh? Pretty catchy, no?

Pizza delivery guys, fake plumbers, hockey moms…. These Republicans are the kinda down-home folksy folks we need in office.

Not only do I not have to go to work, but it’s supposed to be yet another beautiful day, weather-wise. Hey, if they want to give me a day off for some sociopath who thought he was gonna find a shortcut to India, who am I to argue? You’d think national holidays should be limited to actual Americans (except for Jesus’ birthday, of course – but then when President Romney is inaugurated, I reckon he’ll grant Jesus retroactive citizenship), but, hey, who am I to argue with the powerful Italian-American community? I’m pretty sure Columbus was in “Waste Management” anyway.

Normally, I wouldn’t rejoice in a victory by the Buffalo Bills. But when they beat Philadelphia – and intercept Michael Vick 4 times – I’ll make an exception. I think it’s time Philly realizes Vick just isn’t performing and needs to be put down. Nothing personal, Mike. You’re just not earning your kibble.

Well, I guess I’d better figure out what I can around here today – without spending any money.

So now that is looks as though Mitt Romney is the man for the Republicans (and, let’s face it, you couldn’t look more like “The Man” than Mitt; he looks like they pulled him from the set of a Cialis commercial), the self-appointed Christian authentication committee seems about to give him a failing rating. Depending on whose story you listen to (and/or beleive, because I think some of these people are – gasp – lying sacks of shit, and here I thought that was a no-no according to one of their precious commandments, though I guess that’s probably covered by one of those hidden footnotes, like the ones that cover the exceptions to the “Though Shalt Not Kill” one), it’s either because Mormons are Jesusy enough, or that Mitt isn’t enough of a Mormon.

This is why their religious bullshit should be forbidden from anything even remotely related to the government – and that includes political campaigns, speeches, you name it. Forget about the “separation” of Church and State; I want a divorce. Talking – or asking – about religious beliefs should be considered rude and distasteful in public – like asking somebody which sexual position they prefer or talking about the size, color, consistency, and height above the water level of the shit you took this morning. Just not done.

You’d think these Christian Cultists would understand that, but then I suppose home schooling has its limitations. I mean, first you have to pretend you believe in the invisible man in the sky, but after a while that’s not good enough. So then you have to fake allegiance to one sort of Christian cult or another, but then it turns out you’re not the “right” kind of Christian if you wear magic underwear and believe Jesus roamed amongst the dinosaurs in North Dakota.

Pretty soon you can’t be a certified Christian unless you’re speaking in tongues and handling snakes – or demonstrating at funerals because the United States isn’t sufficiently homophobic.

Pandering to the crazy little sub-cult du jour just isn’t sustainable – and is certainly no way to run a country.

All you have to do is look at how fucked-up everything is to see that.

Happy Birthday, John.

Breaking News: Steve Jobs is still dead. It’s Day 2 of Jobsapalooza, and I just thank the iGods that this is a long weekend so tributes can continue uninterrupted. I personally will have a tough time getting through the day today, what with the tears in my eyes and the burns on my fingers from all the melted wax that dripped on them as I stood vigil outside the Apple store last night (there is gonna be a sale, right?). There’s just no getting away from the iLemmings. One “story” I heard on NPR last night on the way home just epitomized the situation. They interviewed people on line at an Apple store, and one kid talked about how wonderful his iPhone is. Why was he at the store? His iPhone wasn’t actually working. Yes, he was singing the praises of “The Jobs” all while having to stand in line because his little toy wasn’t actually working. Vernon, I believe we have another candidate for your iBoneyard.

Sad as we all are, life must go on. In a somewhat ironic twist, this is Apple Festival weekend here (I’m actually kind of surprised they were never sued by Steve Jobs over the name), and it’s going to be a beautiful weekend for it, with lots of sun, blue skies, red, orange, and golden leaves in the trees, and daytime temperatures supposed to hit 80 degrees. The orchards should be packed. Which is why I won’t be going.

Happy 10th Anniversary to the War in Afghanistan. I’m sure the media will give it much more coverage than it’s given the death of Steve Jobs. And I’m looking forward to seeing video (I almost said “footage” – how quaint) of all the vigils for our fallen soldiers and innocent civilians. Maybe they can have a separate section at the “Genius Bar” for it.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the horrible, devastating (and horribly devastating) news from yesterday, but as it’s earth-shaking and game-changing, it bears repeating: Sarah Palin will not be running for President. Since her voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me, I didn’t actually listen to what she said, but I’m assuming it had something to do with not being shackled by the constraints of a campaign (in other words, abiding by campaign finance laws). Immediately after we lost Palin (as a candidate – fortunately her wit and wisdom will still be available to anyone willing to pay for it), she was hailed by her mindless followers – who lauded her many achievements without actually naming anything she’d achieved – as a genius and innovator who revolutionized life as we know it. She will be missed. 🙁

In other not exactly surprising news, Steve Jobs died at the age of 56. Most people croak from pancreatic cancer in less than a year, but of course if you have more money than God, you can buy yourself more time. Jobs bought himself about seven years, during which he became – much like his products – thinner and lighter. In the end, though, nobody gets out alive.

I was trying to figure out what Jobs actually did that made him such an innovator and genius and whatnot, but, being basically ignorant, I’m not really sure. I think it has something to do with hooking up with Steve Wozniak, who actually made shit. Jobs main talent, as far as I can tell, was taking other people’s ideas and getting still other people to make them better (or at least more “stylish”) – and then marketing the shit out of them.

Under Jobs, Apple didn’t invent computers, digital music players or smartphones….

“We have always been shameless about stealing great ideas,” Jobs said in an interview for the 1996 PBS series “Triumph of the Nerds.”

What Jobs failed to add, however – and what I find most annoying about companies like Apple – was that they were also shameless about patenting and/or copyrighting these great, stolen ideas (or at least trying to) in an effort to thwart the innovation of others. I firmly believe that, had Apple had its way, personal computers would cost $5,000 today, instead of $500 (or less), and would have nothing but proprietary connectors for expansion devices that would only accept over-priced (but very stylish) official Apple (or Apple-licensed) products.

So, anyhow, you can expect to see a whole lot of “the genius of Jobs” over the coming weeks, months, and even years (I expect one of Jobs’ last directives was a marketing campaign designed to capitalize on his passing), as the tech world slobbers over his corpse like Peggy Noonan at a Dead Reagan convention.

The person I really feel sorry for in all of this is Sarah Palin, whose “I’m not running” announcement has been way upstaged by the death of Steve Jobs.

And for that, I extend to him my sincere thanks.

Genius.

I understand that I’m getting older, which means that either my bladder has shrunk to the size of a pee, or its tank level sending unit had begun sending erroneous signals to my central nervous system. Whatever the deal is, it means I seem to almost constantly have to take a piss (except, it seems, when I’m actually standing there trying to take one; then, not so much). So I’ve gotten used to getting up a time or two in the middle of the night to take a leak, and, since I don’t really sleep anyway, that’s no big deal. But it gets a bit old in the morning.

I mean, I have to take a leak before I get into the shower. Also when I’m in the shower, and as soon as I get out of the shower. I have to pee while I’m brushing my teeth. In fact, as soon as get done taking a leak, I feel like I need to pee again. And, most definitely, I have to piss on the entire 30+ minute ride in to work. You can talk about the conservation of mass all you want, but I think it’s bullshit. When it comes to bodily liquid, I am definitely creating more than I’m putting in. I really don’t get it.

Speaking of things I don’t get, Super DIRT week starts here today. This is apparently a big deal, and involves cars going around in circles on a dirt track. I have to admit I don’t really care, but they’re supposed to have some really nice weather for it, so good for them.

The weather dork is referring to the impending 75+ degree weekend weather as “Indian Summer.” This, of course, is bullshit. In order to have Indian Summer, you need to first have enough snow on the ground to track small animals – or at the very least, a killing frost. Neither of which we’ve had yet. I’m not sure where I get that from, but it sounds pretty truthy, so I’m going with it. Plus I’m old now, and therefore automatically endowed with wisdom.

The dogs and I (oh, and the cats) are on our own for a few days, as da wife is off to DC for something or other. Hopefully the cats are fully prepared to start actually eating the dead critters they keep leaving around and crapping outside. Tough love from me.

Oh well, early day for me, so it’s time to get my act together. Plus, I gotta take a leak.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (which, based on the activity around here lately, must be a rock w/o Internet access), you’ve certainly heard the news. Free at last. Yes, Monday Night Football is finally free of Hank Williams Jr. Never been much of a fan of his, so I’m afraid I missed him on Fux and Friends where he compared Obama playing golf with Boehner to Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu. But I think Hank’s kinda gettin’ hosed here.

First, I’m pretty sure Boehner would be Hitler in that scenario, not Obama (I mean, think about it; who would HW2 consider to be on “his” team – the Nazi or the foreigner with the funny name who aint a Christian?).

Second, after viewing the clip of the appearance, I don’t even think that was Hank (or ‘Mister Hankey’ as I like to think of him). I think in two years we’ll find out it was Joachin Phoenix playing a prank. And, oh my, won’t we all get a chuckle out of that.

The Bank of America website is apparently still kind of messed up (they swear it’s just “too much traffic” and not related to their decision to start charging people to use their debit cards). Here, Bank of America started out as Syracuse Savings Bank (back in those days, ‘Savings Banks’ in New York weren’t allowed to offer checking accounts – but they paid higher interest rates).

Since I know you’re dying for a bit of CNY trivia, I’ll mention the main Syracuse Savings Bank office was built in 1875 – directly across the Erie Canal from what was then the Onondaga County Savings Bank (they had a bit of a rivalry, and wanted to stick it to them), which was built in 1867. Not only was it the tallest building in Syracuse at the time (at 170 feet), but it also had the first passenger elevator in the area.

Alas, the era of local financial institutions wouldn’t last, and SSB was bought out by Norstar, which was bought out by Fleet, which was bought out by BOA.

It’s interesting that college athletics leagues appear to be remaking themselves in the image of American financial institutions.

I have begun to actively search for a new job. By that, I mean I’m looking online and classifying the opportunities into four categories – things I don’t want to do, things I’m not qualified to do, and things I can’t afford to do. Of course, there’s a fair amount of overlap between them, and there seems to be a lot of openings in the “things I don’t want to do but that’s OK because I can’t afford to do them, and I’m not qualified anyway” hybrid. That, and the “I doubt they’d want to hire an old guy who isn’t willing to work 100 hours a week for a couple cases of Red Bull and enough money to rent an apartment with four other people so I can get the latest and greatest iPhone” category.

Speaking of which, the iPhone 5 comes out today. I think. It’s not really on my radar, but you can’t help but hear about these things. Other than the teevee “news” people and Apple fanboys, does anybody still care? I mean, at some point it seems like you have to wake up and go,

“Oh. This really is pretty much the same shit as the last one.”

Although if it comes with an App to track Amanda Knox’s travel itinerary from Rome to Seattle, let me know, ‘cuz then I’m so gonna get one.

Normally, I’d bitch about it being Monday and having to go to work. But, with the news that there really, truly, actually seems to be 10 episodes and a movie of Arrested Development in the works, I guess things aren’t all bad.

A new survey says Americans are planning on spending more on Halloween this year.

Uh…. Huh?

People spend money on Halloween? My plan is to spend the same amount as usual. In other words, sit in the house will the lights out and curtains closed, appearing to not be home. This will be the first one living here, and I don’t know if any little bastards darlings will show up with their hands out or not. So I guess I’d better be prepared, just in case. I was thinking of printing copies of my school tax bill and handing them out.

There you go, you’re welcome, you little ingrates.

Your goddamn parents should be bringing me food in gratitude for my subsidizing those little germ factories they ship you off to every day so they can get the hell away from you for a few hours – pawning you off on some poor civil servants who spent the time and money to get masters degrees, all for the privilege of having you stare back at them picking your noses, drooling, slack-jawed, and dull-eyed as they make an effort to teach you something to keep you from being a complete and total drain on society – not sending you to my house begging for bite-sized Snickers® bars.

You’ll probably all grow up to be teabaggers and wanna cut off my social security.

It’s October now, which of course means the flu shot propaganda machine is now in full, um, whatever it is that machines get fully into. Where I work, they make a huge deal of it – even putting a little red (or whatever the color de l’an is) sticker on your ID card to show that you’re a docile and compliant employee, and therefore safe to approach. Fortunately for me, I have no desire for people to consider me safe and/or approachable, so this is no incentive for me.

We also have to take an annual “flu vaccine” awareness training course. This amounts to reading their propaganda sheet, and then taking a ‘test’ (the test consists of one question – “did you read the propaganda sheet?”). As it’s a test and not, like, an oath to God Almighty or something, I assume it’s OK to guess. I mean, isn’t that what they tell you before you take the SATs? If you don’t know, don’t waste a lot of time. Take your best guess. Of course, as there are only two answers, and since they allow you to keep taking the test until you get a “passing score” (which in this case is 100%), I’m assuming most people eventually pass.

I, of course, study the flu fact sheet quite carefully, as evidenced by the amount of time I allocate to “training” on my weekly justification for my my purpose in life (or at least at work).

Goddamn it, I was waiting on pins and needles for a verdict in the Amanda Knox Italian Circus event, and now they tell me a verdict won’t be issued until this afternoon. Well, damn. How am I gonna concentrate at work knowing that the fate of this innocent little girl (or perverted, craven murderer, depending on your opinion) has yet to be decided? It’s hard enough not knowing the whereabouts of that missing woman in Aruba.

So, with all this stuff up in the air, today is gonna be a long one. Plus, not only did I stay up too late last night, but I didn’t really sleep all that well (knowing that today was “the day” for Amanda), and I got up even earlier than usual (so that I could watch her plead her case – live, and in Italian, which I mostly don’t understand, but they sure do all talk about this ‘Bony Sarah’ chick a lot, whoever she is – on the Intertubes).

Oh well, time to get going, I guess.