I’m having a hard time concentrating this morning, being deeply depressed over the announcement that Oprah will be ending her show in 2011. How we can live in an Oprah-less world is beyond me. I guess she just wants to take a year off before the world ends in 2012 or something. There is hope, though, as I hear she’s buying the Discovery Health Channel and turning it into the Oprah Network.

Now that Doug “Old Yeller” Hoffman is behind by more votes than there are absentee ballots outstanding, he’s doing what any spoiled rich-kid crybaby loser would do: claiming election fraud, charging the Axis of Evil (ACORN, Unions and the Democratic Party) with ballot tampering (ACORN? Really? Up here in the Great White North? Well, they stole the Presidential election for Obama, so I guess it’s possible.). As evidence Hoffman and his lackeys cite, um, well, nothing really.

“We have found certain irregularities,” said [Hoffman spokesman Rob] Ryan.

Might I suggest Metamucil^®, Rob?

From all the reports I’m hearing in the media, I am forced to come to the conclusion that women are stupid. This hasn’t been my personal experience, of course, as almost all the women in my life – a greater percentage than the men I’ve known, that’s for sure – have actually been quite smart. But the other day, somebody or other changed the recommendations for getting mammograms (wait ’til you’re 50) and doing breast self-examinations (don’t bother; my advice, outsource the job), and the media reported that women were “confused.”

Now, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is saying women don’t need to get their first Pap test until they’re 21, and don’t have to get them as often, and this has apparently sent women over the edge. Women are now walking around with their shoes on the wrong feet, putting their shirts on backwards, and pulling their cars out without opening the garage door first.

According to the Today Show, even female doctors are affected – one just said she was “angry and confused” – by all this (to be fair, she was blond, though). I know I’m just a dumb old man, but I don’t really get it. I mean, if they came out and said men didn’t need prostate exams until they were 60, I would be neither angry nor confused (but I don’t get the damn things anyway; nothin’ goes up my ass until you put a ring on my finger, pal), and if I was inclined to continue my “self exams,” well, goddamnit, I would. I’m pretty sure I’m entitled to touch myself in the privacy of my own home (or the Minneapolis mens room) in any way I want.

All this and Oprah going off the air, too? Maybe the world really will end in 2012.

Some Congresscritter from Arizona that nobody’s ever heard of – except for when he held up a baby on the House floor, and told us how much the baby hated the thought of health care reform – (what is it with Arizona, anyway?) apparently has apologized for suggesting that if the US puts those scary terrorist dudes on trial in NYC, Mayor Bloomberg’s daughter will get kidnapped. I know what you’re thinking, “Bloomberg has a daughter? I thought he was, you know, like Ed Koch?” 😉 Or maybe I’m thinking of Malcom Forbes? I dunno, I get all those rich guys mixed up. Speaking of former NYC mayors with ambiguous sexual preferences, Guidi Ruliani must be bummed that Bloomie managed to get out of his term limits, while the hero of 9/11 couldn’t even exploit a major terrorist attack to get a third term.

Harry Reid unveiled what Senate Democrats will attempt to pass off as health care reform yesterday. The details will ooze out over the coming weeks (the National Right to Life Council is pissed, so it can’t be all bad), but it’ll supposedly cover 94% of the people (the other 6% can go Cheney themselves, I guess). Time for Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman to start throwing tantrums in order to get somebody to pay attention to them. Hey guys, if you want some real attention, make some “solo” sex videos. :barf: OK, now I’ve managed to gross myself out.

Reid also came out as solidly pro-boob (or pro solid boob or something; I dunno, I don’t have time to fact check these things what with all the searching for Carrie Poupon or Dijon or whatever the hell her name is sex videos on the Internet), saying that women shouldn’t have to wait until they turn 50 to get mammograms – whether it does more harm than good or not. Give ’em hell, Harry! Women everywhere are outraged – outraged, I tells ya – at the new recommendations. Well, except my wife, who has long thought they were bullshit. But then she thinks flu shots are bullshit, too.

Speaking of boobs, Guidi Ruliani will be on the Today Show this morning. Whoopdie-doo.

A new law went into effect on November 1st here, decreeing that thou shalt not smoke within 100 feet of a hospital. What with today being the “Great American Smokeout” and all, the institution for which I work chose this day to begin enforcing the ban. Which is odd, since I didn’t realize that hospital officials had the authority to enforce laws (I just pray they won’t try the offenders locally – it’d be giving them exactly what they want, and that’s just not safe).

But, whatever. I gave up smoking cigarettes many years ago (something I once considered almost as unthinkable as the thought of smoking one is to me now), don’t work at the hospital per se, and don’t really care if people want to smoke (as long as it isn’t in my house, car, or indoors anywhere near me). In fact, if people actually do quit smoking, we’re gonna have to figure out how to replace all that $4 or whatever it is per pack tax revenue they bring in (and then we won’t be able to afford to buy the “No Smoking” signs, let alone pay the $125 per diems for our State Legislators to sit around Albany and do nothing).

But it makes the “big thinkers,” important people, and do-gooders feel as if they’re doing the big work and justifying their six and seven-figure salaries, so that’s good. I guess. Patients, nurses, and other smokers will just have to walk a little bit farther to light one up (kind of a hassle when the temperatures get down into the teens around here; sucks to be a smoker these days), so their smoke breaks will just have to last longer, and the non-smokers will have to pick up the slack. No biggie.

In a fit of desperation, I not only renewed my annual Mega Millions subscription, but also added one for the regular NYS Lotto. This means I can be a loser 4 times a week instead of just 2 (oh, I know what you’re thinking: “dude, you’re a loser every day of the week.” True, but paying to be a loser makes it more poignant, doncha think?). It’s really all I can think of to get me out of this “get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, get up again” rut that my life seems to have become. If I win the lottery, I can eliminate the “go to work” part.

On the bright side, drinking excessively is good for a man’s heart. Not so much for you women, I’m afraid. You’ll just have to content yourselves with mammograms. On a happy note, though, if we men drink to the point of passing out, at least we won’t be pestering you in the boudoir (which reminds me of a scene from the Sopranos, where Sil’s wife tells Carmella and Rosalie “I’m glad [Sil] has a goomar; that’s one less thing I have to do around here”).

Anyhow, I just want to take a moment to wish everybody a Happy Thanks…. Oh, wait. That’s next week. Crap.

I guess that means I gotta go to work.

Some great news for four lucky cities out there, as Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly are teaming up for the “Bold and Fresh Tour 2010.” Yes, because nothing says “bold and fresh” like two old white guys. No news on what other white supremacists they’ll be traveling with. Hey, here’s a suggestion, guys, if you need another bold and fresh old white guy, Lou Dobbs has some free time on his hands, why not get him as your warm-up act (Lou’s apparently not on the Sarah Palin campaign bus, but he hates Mexicans, so the teabaggers ought to accept him)? The Dynamic Duo will be heading to Westbury, New York (the “Levittown section” of Westbury, no doubt), Tampa, Florida, North Charleston, South Carolina, and Norfolk, Virginia (I guess that constitutes the teabagger “Borscht Belt”). Sorry, Kevin, but the Tampa show is already sold out.

Speaking of Bold and Fresh, former Klansman (hey, he said he was sorry about that; joining the Klan in the 30’s and 40’s in West Virginia was kinda like joining the Rotary Club), and supposed distant relative of mine on my mother’s side, Robert Byrd, has now officially become the longest serving member of Congress, having served in the House and Senate for almost 57 years. When I think of Robert Byrd, I think of his eloquent and courageous speech in opposition to giving Dubya the authority to invade Iraq.

Oh well, time to go be a productive American.

Although nobody’s actually interested in his opinion (especially the NY State Legislature), the Governor of NY has jumped on the “don’t bring the scary terrorists to trial in NY” bandwagon. Apparently it’s just too darn soon after the attacks (it’s only been 8 years, after all), and NYC is “not over” it yet (jeez, get over it already, New York). I’m sure it has nothing to do with Paterson wanting to stick it to Obama a little bit, what with Obama telling the Blinkster he ought to spend more time with his family and all (that’s no way to treat a brother). As evidence, the Guv cites the fact that there’s still just a big hole in the the ground where the Twin Towers used to be. Well, can’t argue with that, I guess. How can NYC try criminals with such a shortage of office space (and why hasn’t Obama rebuilt the WTC, anyway? Fer crissakes, he’s had like 10 months already; might as well give the terraists something to aim at)?

Our favorite yellow-toothed teabagger – Dough Hoffman – licked the boots of his hero, Glen Beck, and says he’s un-conceding (if he can) from the NY 23rd Congressional race, what with the vote margin being down to about 3,000 with 10,000 absentee ballots still outstanding. So, that makes him both a quitter, and a moron. No wonder Sarah Palin endorsed him.

Speaking of our poor Sarah, she’s apparently not too happy with Newsweek for using a “sexy” photo taken for Runner’s World on the cover of their magazine. First, Sarah is only “sexy” when compared to Dick Cheney. I know she’s the current star of the masturbatory fantasies of old Republican men everywhere, but that’s just ‘cuz the best they could do before were Liddy Dole and Bay “Pat in a dress” Buchanan (and maybe Larry Craig).

Second, aw, c’mon Sarah. You know you love it. I think thou doth protest too much. That photo will sell you a bunch of books, and, let’s face it, you’ve only got a short amount of time left to exploit those Miss Alaska second runner-up looks and fancy pageant-walkin’ skills. A few more years, and it’ll be time for Todd to float you off on an ice berg.

On a side note, Sarah Palin is one of the few people who have attended more colleges than I did before finally graduating from one, having attended Hawaii Pacific University (one semester; probably bitched she couldn’t get a decent hunk of salmon the whole time she was there) North Idaho College (home of the Golden Potatoes, where she spent two semesters before making the move to the more prestigious University of Idaho), then heading back to Alaska for a semester at Matanuska-Susitna College, then back to the University of Idaho again for three semesters, finally graduating in 1987.

Tom Harkin says if the Republicans try to delay passage of a health care reform bill by forcing a reading of the bill, the Democrats will keep them there “24/7.” Well, not ’til after their Thanksgiving holiday, of course. Woo-hoo, that’ll scare ’em, Tom. Sounds good. I’ll believe it when I see it.

The SU women’s basketball team won big against Presbyterian College last night. I mention this mainly because the PC team’s nickname is the “Blue Hose,” which I thought is a pretty goshdarn stupid name for a team (especially a women’s team). Not sure what genius came up with that one (maybe it’s because they wear blue socks?). I wonder if Don Imus would get in trouble if he referred to them as the “nappy-headed Hose.” Though, from the game photos, most of them appear to be blonds (which is probably why SU beat them by 41 points).

Robin Williams comes to town today. I’d go see him, but it would mean leaving the house on a school night, and I don’t even leave the house at night on the weekend. I’ve got one of his concert DVDs around here somewhere – that should be just as good.

I’m not feeling particularly inspired this morning. Monday after a three-day weekend (a spectacular one, weather-wise, though pretty lame on the sports front) will do that to you, I guess. So will looking at the faces of the Republican Party in the post-booblehead show wrap-ups. I mean, there’s a reason I don’t watch these things on Sunday, do you really have to shove them in my face on Monday? First there’s the truly disgusting Guidi Ruliani (I know you straight gals and gay guys think he’s hot – especially in the Marilyn outfit – but he makes me sick; look up putrefaction in the dictionary, and you’ll see his maggoty picture). Yesterday, he told the world that trying criminals in US Courts was “giving them an advantage,” and that it’s just too darn dangerous for NYC to try them there (though I guess at least a couple of hosts called him out for his 2006 praise of the civilian trial of Zacarias Moussaoui, when he said he was “in awe of our system” and that we “are a nation of law”). I mean, I thought DA-types were supposed to get all moist an dewy over bringing criminals to trial. And when will people finally realize what a bunch of f*cking cowards and hypocrites Republicans are?

Then there’s chinless ferret-face f*ck Mitch McConnell, who officially announced that the Republicans will just be trying to delay health care reform as long as possible. Between the idiotic rules of the Senate (that Democrats were too feeble to use when they were in the minority), assholes like Joe Lieberman, corrupt schmucks like Max Baucus, and the feckless wonder that is Harry Reid, I have no doubt they’ll be able delay reform until President Palin is sworn in on January 20, 2013.

As if that thought isn’t scary enough, the evil spawn of evil, Liz Cheney (rumor has it that she was conceived on a dark and stormy night in November of 1965, after daddy Dick got himself off watching torture porn, and his spattered black spunk coalesced and crawled up the steps from his basement dungeon, slithered up Lynne’s leg – nestling itself in her icy nether regions, patiently waiting to hatch nine months later) ventures on Fux News that her daddy would make a great candidate in 2012 (they have her sister Mary’s kid for spare parts, after all), and would never bow to those low-down dirty chinks.

Great choice: Lucifer, or Alaska trailer trash.

Speaking of trailer trash, I’m somewhat dismayed to find myself agreeing with David Brooks – at least with his opinion of Sarah Palin, who he called “a joke.” How much do you wanna bet he changes his tune and says he admires her fresh, plain-spoken, no-nonsense “outside the box” thinking when she takes the Iowa caucuses? Brooks went on to say

I mean, I just can’t take her seriously. We’ve got serious problems in the country…. The idea that this potential talk show host is considered seriously for the Republican nomination — believe me, it’ll never happen. Republican primary voters are just not going to elect a talk show host.

No, of course not. A fake cowboy who’s afraid of horses and lives on a pretend ranch? You betcha. And a crappy “B” move actor with Alzheimer’s who runs the nation based on the advice of his dessicated wife’s astrologer and sells weapons to the Axis of Evil in order to illegally fund a bunch of civilian-butchering “revolutionaries?” Oh, hell, all he’d be is just the new Republican messiah – the standard by which all future Republicans would be measured.

But a talk show host? Never.

On Press the Meat today, it’s Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, plus Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, the totally irrelevant (to everybody but the media) Newt Gingrich, and Rev. Al Sharpton.

Over at CBS, Faze the Nation has Pete “Hokie” Hoekstra , the rankest Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, Sen. Pat Leahy, Chairman of the Judiciary Committee, the WaPost’s Dana Priest, and Juan Zarate, CBS News national security analyst.

On Fux News Sunday, Weaselface Wallace will whine about the Obama Administration’s insistence on relying on the US criminal justice system to prosecute criminals, along with Guidi Ruliani. Also on, Sen. Jack Reed, chinless f*ck Mitch “the prick” McConnell, and the man who is singlehandedly keeping us all from dying of the Swine Flu, Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.

The Goebbels network will have the two most qualified people on the planet to talk about foreign affairs, as George Snufalufagus hosts Former NYS Senator and current Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, and guy who used to mayor of a big city who appointed a criminal as Chief of Police, recommended the same criminal as head of Homeland Security, and put an emergency command center above ground in a complex that had already been attacked by terrorists, Guidi Ruliani. At the roundtable, it’s George :jerk: Will, former journalist Bob Woodward, the Washington Week’s Gwen Ifill, Douchebag Dave Brooks and David Corn.

At CNN, Fareed Zakaria Fareed gives us a sneak peak into the upcoming HBO film (it premieres on the 19th) he narrated entitled Terror in Mumbai (those attacks were just about a year ago, if you recall). Plus, a panel discussion on President Obama’s first trip to China and the relationship between Beijing and Washington.

Damn, half way through November already?

Have a good Sunday.

Some good news for everyone this morning: the economy is once again back on track. Things were tough there for a while – so tough that rich people stopped buying shit. But take a deep breath and relax, America, ‘cuz times are good for rich people once again. Oh, things still suck for the rest of us, of course. Unemployment is almost as high as it was under St. Reagan, and those of us who still have work are faced with higher insurance premiums, and are left to scurry around trying to collect the crumbs that fall from the rich folks’ throbbing jowls, but, hey, guess what? The more the rich folks eat, the more crumbs there are for the little people. And that, my friends, is the how capitalism and the free market work.

As for health insurance, it turns out that the “historic reform” being contelmplted by the Senate is filled with loopholes for insurance companies (gee, who could’ve seen that coming). Basically, we’d all spend a lot of time and taxpayer dollars to wind up with basically the same system we have now (and that’s how the government works).

I guess everyone’s heard that AG Eric Holder is planning on bringing five Gitmo detainees to New York to stand trial for their (alleged) crimes. Amazingly (to me, if not to Wolf Blitzer), trying criminals for the crimes they’ve committed has somehow become “controversial.” Guidi Ruliani, for instance, has a great deal of contempt for our criminal justice system. That’s why he put a criminal in charge of the NYPD, I guess. Jim Webb thinks it’s a bad idea, too. And Bush AG Frank Murkasey went so far as to predict death and destruction for New Yorkers if criminals are put on trial there. Even the “9/11 Families” are “split” over the decision.

“I’m very, very disappointed in the government,” said Anne Ielpi, whose son, Jonathan Ielpi, was a firefighter who was killed in the south tower.

“It’s like throwing it in our face again,” she said, speaking by phone Friday. “We can’t get away from 9/11, we can’t.”

Well, with all due respect to Mrs. Ielpi and other family members who may be upset (and no respect whatsoever for the likes of Ruliani of Mukasey), sorry, but it aint up to you. I’m sure if one of my family members was killed in a robbery or something, I’d just as soon have his murderer packed off to some Kafkaesque prison cell somewhere, never to be seen again (personally, I’d prefer having him rot in a hole somewhere for 20 or 30 years to a quick execution). But that’s not how it works here. Victims and their families don’t get to decide who gets a fair and open trial, and who doesn’t.

If we can’t even agree on that, then we’re really screwed.

In the meantime, I think I’ll move to Portland (Oregon, that is).

The DC City Council seems poised to enact legislation allowing same sex marriage, paving the way for the first ceremonies to take place in the spring (ah, all decked out under the apple blossoms; how romantic). Predictably, the Catholic Church has worked itself into a petulant frenzy over it, and is attempting to blackmail the City by saying it’ll suspend all its charitable works in DC if they’re forced to treat “those people” like regular human beings. I think that’s how God would want it, don’t you?

I also think God would want the City Council to revisit its mechanism of determining what constitutes a “tax exempt” entity. If the Catholics want to abandon the vast amount of homeless and poor folks in DC, that’s cool. Now start paying taxes on all that prime real estate you own (including that University with the shitty dorms). In fact, I’d go beyond that, and tell them they need to perform at least a dozen same sex marriages (Priests and Altar Boys don’t count) a week in that fancy schmancy Basilica of theirs (which looks pretty gay to me), or all their property will be assessed at full value, and we’ll be needing a check by the end of January (and another one for the school taxes in September).

Turns out Kimberly Munley – the heroic female cop credited with “taking down” the Ft. Hood shooter – was certainly heroic – just not the person who put Major Hasan down. It was Sgt. Mark Todd who plugged Hasan and then kicked he shooter’s gun away. Kinda makes you wonder what else we aren’t hearing about this whole thing. I mean, first, they told us Hasan was dead – and that was the official story for many hours. Then for some reason (why? Better story?) they tell us – despite lots of other eyewitness accounts – that one cop ended the ordeal, when in fact it was somebody else. They say Hasan shouted “Allah Akbar,” too. Will that turn out to be true? Or just another good story? I’m starting to wonder if Nidal Malik Hasan’s name will turn out to be Nicholas Michael Hogan, and instead of being a Muslim, he’s a Scientologist.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think the Army is just incapable of telling the truth or something. But that can’t be, ‘cuz I saw Stanley McCrystal on the teevee, and when he says he can win in Afghanistan if only he gets more troops, I just know it’s true. 🙄

Last Friday, when I noticed it was November 6th, I had a premonition that we would soon have a Friday the 13th – and here it is. Spooky, isn’t it? I’m kind of Nostradamic that way. To celebrate, I decided to take the day off (since it’s going to be a nice, sunny day, and I’m getting tired of coming home from work when it’s pitch black out). Looks like the dogs are gonna get a nice long walk today.

Watch out for black cats, and stay away from ladders today.

I guess Wolf Blitzer was channeling his Nazi U-Boat Commander roots last night, as he used the classic “some people wonder” ploy to attack retired JAG Colonel John Galligan for having the audacity to be willing to provide a competent defense for accused Ft. Hood shooter, Nidal Malik Hasan. Galligan tried (somewhat in vain) to remind Wolfie that, back in the olden pre-Bush/Cheney days, we used to have this quaint notion that everybody had the right to a fair trial (not just to protect the rights of the accused, but also so that the rest of us can be reasonably certain that if somebody is found guilty, they really are guilty). Not that we’ve always lived up to that ideal, of course, but at least we usedta sorta kinda pretended we believed it. Wolf, I guess, would rather have a show trial where opposing counsel argue whether the defendant is guilty, or really guilty. It’s amazing how crappy CNN has become.

Speaking of CNN, it just got slightly less crappy. By now, we’ve all heard the tragic news that everybody’s favorite immigrant-hater, Lou Dobbs, abruptly ended his CNN career last night, saying:

“Some leaders in the media, politics and business have been urging me to go beyond my role here at CNN and engage in constructive problem-solving.”

(you gotta love how these hacks always manage to sneak in a “some say” in one form or another, no matter what the premise).

This can only mean one of three things. He’s either going to run for public office (maybe move to Louisiana and return the statehouse to regular Americans), start working out to be in good enough shape to compete in the 2011 Miss California pageant (the beauty there is that Lou can afford his own breast implants, so he won’t be beholden to anybody, and can speak freely against same sex Mexicans getting married), or Lou is gonna pack up a cooler full of beer and his shotgun, then set up a chaise lounge on the north side of the Rio Grande and wait for some varmints to try and cross.

Speaking of shotguns, back in my day, we had to figure out how to shotgun a beer all by ourselves. It was a sacred ritual handed down from one generation to the next (like, sophomores to freshmen). Not anymore, though. Now there’s a “how to” wiki for it. Of course, as is typically the case, the wiki is both incorrect, and filled with wimps.

For starters, the bozo in the video lets beer spill out of the can. Wasting beer, as we all know, is a sin. Also, they suggest that a bunch of guys should stand around in a circle. That’s just wrong (there are only a limited number of reasons for a bunch of guys to stand around in a circle, and none of them are appropriate). Also, they say to use a knife, but everybody knows you use a screwdriver. And if they were real men, they’d be shotgunning tall boys, not wimpy little 12 ounce cans. Of course, the real kicker is that they have a disclaimer to “drink responsibly.” Puh-leeze. If you’re gonna shotgun a few beers, you obviously aren’t intending to taste the beer, let alone drink responsibly.

It’s stuff like this that makes me worry about the future of this great nation.

Happy Veteran’s Day to those of you who are veterans, or are family of veterans. To celebrate, a new study by Harvard researchers published in the American Journal of Public Health tells us that 1.46 million veterans between the ages of 18 and 64 were uninsured in 2008, resulting in the deaths of 2,266 of them. For those of you keeping score, that’s 14 times the number of soldiers killed in Afghanistan in 2008, and more than twice as many as have been killed in Afghanistan since 2001, and about half as many as have been killed in Iraq since 2003. So, one might say it’s safer to be deployed to a war zone than to be a veteran stateside (not counting the fact that as much as 20% of Iraq/Afghanistan veterans suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the suicide rate for male veterans is double the national average, and veterans account for some 25% of all the homeless in this country ).

“Like other uninsured Americans, most uninsured vets are working people – too poor to afford private coverage but not poor enough to qualify for Medicaid or means-tested VA care,” said Dr. Steffie Woolhandler, a professor at Harvard Medical School who testified before Congress about uninsured veterans in 2007 and carried out the analysis released today [Tuesday]. “As a result, veterans go without the care they need every day in the U.S., and thousands die each year. It’s a disgrace.”

Don’t worry, though. While the health care “reform” just passed by the House won’t really do much of anything to change that (nothing at all, until at least 2013), Joe Lieberman will make sure that not even a hint of a public insurance option will pass in the Senate.

So, anyway, Happy Veteran’s Day!